Virtual Off-Day: Yes, It's SOCCER!

In a further sign of the apocalypse today, the Yankees took advantage of a virtual off-day to announce the imminent start of construction on Soccer City, Da Bronx, the team's long planned, massive development to build a soccer stadium, luxury condominiums, a hotel, office space, and "a good half-dozen" affordable apartments—"at least!"—on the other side of the Macombs Dam Replacement Park.

"This will revitalize the whole borough," claimed Yankees Generalissimo Hal Steinbrenner.  "At least, if by 'whole borough,' you mean the nearby acres of the Bronx that the Yankees control."

The team's beat writers and other media thought they had talked Steinbrenner out of a press conference having anything to do with soccer, but were lured up to Yankee Stadium by rumors of a major trade, and all the whiskey and fried pangolin they could devour, provided courtesy of the Stadium's new Pangolin House restaurant.

To their dismay and then horror, the press discovered that this was to be a soccer presentation only when the doors were bolted behind them.  Many were asleep even before they could get to their scotch bottles.

"Soccer City is what the future is all about," Hal continued, as those still conscious screamed in agony.  "It's synergy:  the New York Yankees' next move forward to becoming a world brand, able to compete on a global basis in nearly all aspects of the sports, entertainment, and leisure fields."

"Make him stop!" someone shrieked from the assembled press corps.  "Next he'll talk about a paradigm!"

"With Soccer City, we see the Yankees moving into a new paradigm, wherein we will provide you with all your entertainment needs, 24/7."

"ARRRGGGH!"

When one member of the press had recovered sufficiently to ask when Soccer City's NYCFC franchise might be given a name, Yankees creature Randy Levine stepped forward to say that was up to the fans.

"This is meant to be organic.  Some names are already emerging, and we are hoping that others will as well, selected by the fans themselves."

"Organic?"

"Yes, that's right."

"A team created out of whole cloth, five years ago?  In a league called 'MLS' that was created out of whole cloth 25 years ago?  What could possibly be 'organic' about it?"

"Well..."

"Did it start as a neighborhood club team?"

"Umm, no."

"What does the 'FC' stand for?"

" 'Football Club.'"

"Is that a Bronx term?"

"Um, no."

"Is it an American term?"

"Well—"

"When you say 'Football' in America, do you mean, 'soccer'?"

"No—"

"Well then why don't you give the team a fucking name?"

The press conference broke up soon after, as the Yankees executives went to board the buses for a tour of the parking lots and abandoned industrial sites where Soccer City is expected to kickstart a badly needed economic boom that will benefit all those soccer players not good enough to play in Europe.