Virtual Baseball: Happ Slapped By Vicious Birds Again, Yanks Fall Out of First!

It was Strong Blood Lines Night in the virtual Boogie-Down virtual Bronx tonight, as a host of genetically blessed Blue Jays plastered starter J.A. Happ, 15-7.

Happ was hit and hit hard, from the very beginning of the night, by the sons of sporting greats gone by.  Vlad Guerrero, Jr., Bo "The Right Bichette, Brian" Bichette, and Cavan Biggio all launched rockets blasts in the opening innings, to build an early, 11-1 lead for the Birds in Bleu.

(Brandon Drury, grandnephew of "Advise and Consent" author Allen Drury, fared less well, going 0-4 on the night, but did entertain reporters with his political prognostications before the game.)

Matt Shoemaker, the Blue Jays starter and grandson of the great jockey, Willie Shoemaker, baffled Yankees hitters at first, throwing knee-high strikes with impunity, thanks to a frame that matches his granddaddy's 4-foot-10, 91-pound physique.

But after the Yanks adjusted and Miguel Andujar, Gio Urshela, and Clint Frazier golfed balls out of the yard, Shoemaker was replaced by former Yank A.J. Cole.  In the end, A.J. got the win over J.A., the teammate of G. Cole, though he did surrender a solo homer to D.J. LeMahieu.  Got that?

The loss dropped the Yankees one game behind the Tampa Bay Rays, the Joe Biden of baseball.

But most of the public was no doubt distracted by the wild events of this week's Democratic convention in Milwaukee, which culminated when rogue congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard and her Red Surfer Commandos, attempted to storm the convention center and forcibly have her declared the party nominee over Biden.

The coup attempt went awry after the Red Surfer Commandos broke into the convention hall's vodka cabinet and were soon incapacitated, but Gabbard was able to escape in a private jet piloted by James Mason out of Mount Rushmore National Park, and was reportedly on the way to Russian airspace.

After miraculously surviving the violent attack, Biden's popularity skyrocketed to a new high of 19 percent.