Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Virtual Baseball: Cole Train Hits the Express Track, Pathetic Sox Tied to Rails! New York Back in First!

In virtual baseball tonight, the Yanks and Gerrit Cole chugged right through the festering Dead Sox, as the Yanks steamrolled Boston, 12-0. Cole picked up his league-leading, fourth complete game of the season, even though manager Ma Boone had pledged to limit his innings as much as possible this September. Nonetheless, in striking out only 4, Cole was able to pitch the entire game with just 76 pitches. "It was something Giancarlo taught me, something called, 'Pitch to contact,' that he said was an ancient Hopi Indian concept," Cole told reporters afterwards. "Boy, I miss that guy! He was truly a man of knowledge." Home runs by Clint Frazier, Miguel Andujar, Gleyber Torres, and Aaron Judge blasted the Yankees back into first place, a game ahead of the Tampa Bay Ray-Rays. Yet for all the festive atmosphere in the upper decks of a packed Stadium III, the game was overshadowed in the luxury seats by the fact that the stock market dropped another 9,000 points today, finishing at just 36,000, as "the Red Bear" continued to run amok on Wall Street. Some Yankees' luxury box magnates were so overcome with despair that they actually hurled themselves from the moat that protects their exclusive seating bastion. The fall was not long enough to seriously injury any of them, although several suffered boos and scrapes on their knees and shins that Yankees creature Lonn Trost personally kissed to make all better. They were also served more complimentary lobster rolls.

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