Who, el Duque, do we hate the most?
Yes, it's time for the IIHIIFIIc Personal Vendetta List, where we gently implore the juju gods to assassinate, er, kill, um, crush, uh... dampen certain Yankee opponents, allowing us a baseline of peace, harmony and revenge.
So, juju gods, (... tap tap, testing, one, two, three...) can you hear me? Good. Keep in mind that I would never demand anything from such as you. It's not my style. I'm simply asking... nicely. Understand? If you want everything to go nicely, I suggest you listen. This is simply a list of things that would pleasure me. And if I'm happy, I don't have to take off my belt. Please... don't make me take off my belt.
So... three things...
1. We beat Tampa. I'd like it to happen in four games, a 3-1 margin. (I'll accept a sweep.) I say, let them win one! We are not greedy.
Beating Tampa has become an underrated joy of Yankee fandom. This year, it was also a rare one. They owned us. As a result, they've gotten a bit too big for their britches. And I cannot believe their hatred of us. They despise us for training there in February. They despise us for the radio broadcasts of Yankee games in their media market. They despise us the way that canaries hate lemons. (Give yours a lemon; you'll see what I mean.) They hate us with the heat of a billion suns, which is hot, even for Florida. So, our Trail of Vengeance begins in Cigar City.
2. We beat Houston. This is a must. We owe the Astros a trouncing, a whupping, a shellacking like nothing that has happened since the Spanish Armada sailed from Corunna Bay. It needs to be a pasting, a pounding, a drubbing, which ends in a spray of beanballs from the Water Cannon and Mean Chad, the kind of close shaves offered by Sweeney Todd. It would be nice to inflict a little pain.
This should be a sweep, each game an early-innings blowout. And it should merely be our first sips of vengeance against the cheating Astros, with the rest coming throughout the new millennium. A thousand years of domination... I like the sound of that.
3. We beat the Dodgers. We must send a message: You don't disrespect Mr. Donald Mattingly. (The greatest "Donald" in America.) The Dodgers have a pissy way of bullying the NL West - eight pennants in a row. Whoopie. Who do they think they are, the Yankees?
We need to beat Mookie Betts. And Joe Kelly. And Dave Roberts. And Steve Garvey. Hell, I still haven't forgiven Sandy Koufax. Fuck him. Koufax sucks! Gil Hodges, too.
So, those are my humble requests. It's been 11 years since the last Yankee championship. If we win 2020, the critics will claim it's not a real championship. They'll claim the year was compromised, that we shouldn't care. That's okay. I'll take a ring, thank you, and a round of vengeance for our soldiers. Better late than never, right?
Go Marlins.
ReplyDeleteIf we don't make it, for some insane, fixed, fraudulent reason, I want to see Donnie's Kids beat the Dodgers.
You know, just for fun.
Amen, Duque, amen!
ReplyDeleteI refused to root for the Dodgers even against the Carmine Hose a couple years ago. Teams that leave cities even though they are already making money hand over fist should NEVER be forgiven.
Absolutely. I hope Walter O'Malley is burning in hell.
DeleteA few stones to remove from my shoe...
ReplyDelete1) It's too bad that the stadiums won't be filled for the Tampa games. (aside from the idea that it is common sense and the right thing to do because, Covid.) The Rays play well in empty stadiums for obvious reasons and the lack of 50K angry Yankee fans would have been helpful.
2) The Dodgers.
Yes beat the Dodgers. Sure why not. They left Brooklyn. They spawned Steve Garvey. It takes two hours to drive ten miles to see a game. But and it's a bigger butt than Kim Kardashian's... leave Sandy Koufax alone!
OK so he struck out 15 Yankees (back when that wasn't a daily achievement) on the way to a sweep in 1963. Get over it.
The man is an icon for every Jew of a certain age who, looking across all sports, didn't see that many of us. At least on the field.
(Side stone - Steve Stone - feel free to trash him.)
I have a picture of Mr. Koufax in my office.
Say what you want about the team that employed Ron Cey.
Hate on Walker Buelller (Good name for a movie about a macho cop who takes a day off and ends up leading a BLM parade down Hollywood Blvd.)
They fired Donnie and still can't win a series.
Dave Roberts! Grrrrr.
Sandy Koufax? Such a nice man.
Doug K.
If we play Houston, would the games be at Yankee Stadium or a neutral field?
ReplyDeleteWhile I have always hated those cardboard cutout fans teams have used in the parks this year, I would request (humbly) that if the Yankees do host Houston, We fill the stands with cutouts of fans holding garbage cans and drumsticks.
Neutral field. Good joke though.
ReplyDeleteAlso, read what wrote and meant to say 50K angry fans not lack of same.
Doug K.
Forget about Houston. No pitching. Beating tampa and Oakland is going to be tough. But I think in a 162 game season the yanks win the east. The problem is that Tampa's strong bullpen and speed and situational hitting makes them well suited to a 5 game series
ReplyDeleteYou are permitted vendettas, but when you dis Gil Hodges and Sandy Koufax, you go too far, down in the gutter with Trump and the Proud Boys. This coming from a lifelong Giants-Mets fan who hated the Dodgers and still do. But this is too far over the top. And I always thought you were a decent human being.
ReplyDeleteWhy are those cardboard cutouts not wearing masks? Just asking for a friend...
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWell, Ghost, that was your mistake thinking he's a decent human being.
It's an insult to any of us here on IIH to assume we are decent human beings when it comes to our opponents. Hating is what we do best; the more disgusting the better.
If they're not wearing pinstripes, dead or alive, they all suck and always will.
Forget grudges. The question we all have to ask ourselves: where does loyalty lie in the event of a Yankees v Marlins World Series? Examine your hearts. You know the right answer.
ReplyDeleteMarlins must be beat. Two Mr Yankees turncoats. That’s not your Grandma who moved to Florida, it’s your childhood heroes. Crush them!
ReplyDeleteShort of that, crush Houston. Really disappointed I couldn’t make good on a promise my cousin that’d we’d be in Yankee stadium booing Altuve this year.
If we could give Arizona, the whole franchise not just the players, a nasty case of the croup, well, that would be okay too.
ReplyDeleteThe Padres sent those Fuckfaces from the Heartland home for the winter. Sanctimonious pricks, may they cough their lungs out.
ReplyDeleteFuck you Cardinals manager Mike Shildt for not enforcing social distancing. Asshole. Sanctimonious prickface asshole.
Fuck you Hal with something dreadful (use your own imaginations for this one).
(What? Why do I always have to paint a picture for you lazy cantankerous drunks!? Who the fuck am I? Bob Fucking Happy Fucking Tree Ross?!?)
Yeah! I SAID IT!
ReplyDeletehttps://nypost.com/2020/10/02/plane-owned-by-steve-barnes-of-cellino-barnes-crashes-report/
ReplyDeleteWe lost a beloved member of John and Suzyn's endless in-game commercials.
Was Steve the Jailbird?
ReplyDeleteRIP Bob Gibson
ReplyDeleteIndeed the lyrics will now be "Cellino No Barnes"...
ReplyDeleteWay to warble, Warbler!
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