If Hal Steinbrenner is really his father's son, he'll sign Kyle Schwarber

At times, I suspect that Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner is playing out an elaborate, condensed, re-enactment of his father's timeline. If so, we are reliving Old George's evolutionary history, and we are currently mired in the Danny Tartabulleacean Period, aka the "Worst Team Money Can Buy" era. Back then, when we talked about "the Hall," we meant Mel Hall.

If this is true, we are four years away from the next championship.  

Every idiot fan in captivity knows that teams today win with youth, defense and pitching. Nevertheless, we could be entering a phase when Hal - channeling Daddy - chases sluggers the way kittens pounce on jiggly strings. 

Which brings me to the reason behind this bizarre and terrifying theory:

The apparent Yankee infatuation with Kyle Schwarber. 

Yesterday, the Cubs cut ties with Schwarber, who hit.188 in 59 games last season, while fanning in a third of his at-bats. Over his six-year career, Schwarber is a .230 hitter with great power... when he connects. (Cue the Gary Sanchez wah-wah sound.) In 2019, Schwarber hit 38 HRs, his peak. In March, he'll turn 28. Defensively, he has the range of the Utah Monolith. Nobody will ever call him "Operation Warp Speed."

But but BUT... he bats LH, and supposedly, Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman has a stiffy for him. You think Trump's Tweets are scary? Here's one from last night that's horrific...

So, could Schwarber actually be a thing? 

Last year, Schwarber earned $7 million, a small truckload, as looming Yankee fiascos go. Trouble is, we've seen this movie before, and it never ends well. 

To jam a beached whale like Schwarber into their lineup, the Yankees would need to tear apart the current roster. That might not be the worst thing ever. Their batting order now tilts farther right than Alabama. They'd trade Giancarlo Stanton for a bowl of nuts. If we are reliving 1991, adding Schwarber and his 200 strikeouts would seem the most George-like thing the franchise can do. 

Let's hope our interest in Schwarber is Russian disinformation. A few winters ago, remember Cashman's gushy lip service to Manny Machado and Bryce Harper? Maybe this is that. It never hurts to fawn over the shiny Buick, especially if you have no real plans to make an offer. 

Let's hope that's it. Schwarber would be a terrible fit on this team. And if Hal is truly reliving Daddy's spiritual journey, we won't see a ring for four or five years. I'm all for rebuilding, but that's too long.