10. We never played the goddam cheater Astros, not once.
9. No All-Star Game.
8. From the git-go, Boston tanked.
7. YES announcers on Zoom, from home.
6. Games called due to Covid.
5. Lost months of April, May, June and July.
4. The extra-innings rule with the fake runner on second.
2. Cardboard cut-outs of fans.
1. The absence of minor league baseball.
After tonight, all but one - that wretched extra-innings rule - will have rightfully disappeared into the ash pit of history. America will be a little bit more like it was before the boogieman came.
Tonight, if the weather obliges, the Scranton Railriders will play the Syracuse Mets, and I shall be in attendance - vaxxed, wrapped in a parka, and socially distanced - in the cold rafters of the upper deck. The winds will swirl, the air will freeze, and hot dogs will congeal in their buns, while we clap gloved hands and beg the political oilcans to keep their speeches short.
Of course, I'll be there to gather stool samples for IIHIIFIIc's prospect analyses. (I wonder how so-called "scientific" sites can evaluate players without stool samples, and I regret no longer being allowed to administer the standardized Myer-Briggs Type Indicator tests in the Scranton clubhouse. People, this is government suppression! First, they take away our personality tests. Next, they will come for your urine! We are becoming Communist China. Those who would trade their poop for security... SHALL HAVE NEITHER!)
Tonight, I will study these Players of Interest (POIs):
Chris Gittens. (If he hits in Triple A, a late-bloomer?)
Deivi Garcia. (Not sure if we'll see him.)
Brook "The Great" Krisge and Nick Nelson. (The Scranton Shuttle.)
Adam Warren. (Listed on the roster, an old friend.)
Kyle Holder. (Is he really the best fielding SS in the minors? If so, how bad a hitter is he?)
Miguel Andujar. (The road back starts here. Wouldn't it be nice?)
Socrates Brito. (Hear my cry: He shall play Yankee OF when Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane.)
After tonight, America will be slightly better than it was yesterday. (But only if we beat Houston.)
Genius post! Special props for the Macbeth allusion!
ReplyDeleteHilarious, Duque! Hope it is unseasonably warm.
ReplyDeleteBundle up tight. When are we meeting at a bar in the Bronx before a game??
ReplyDeleteProposal: Since the International League seems to be no more, and the venerable Governors' Cup gone with it, IIHIIFII...C ought to sponsor a new award, ala The Golden Snowball. The winner of the annual head to head competition between the SMets and RailRiders should be awarded "The McNamara Cup", named for Scranton local hero and Syracuse hoops legend Gerry McNamara. Whaddya think?
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, Publius!
ReplyDeleteYou can't be going solo, Who are your comrades in arms?
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite ready to hit the stadium yet, but maybe it could happen in a few months. And there is the Zoom idea, but maybe that's not a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI want to know how Duque disposes of the stool sampling kits while still in the stadium? Do you just chuck them in the trash cans next to the hot dog stand? Or do you have a special sack you throw them into, which you then dump on the way home?
I agree about in a few months. August?? The same seats as 2019 would be perfect. The thin atmosphere up there should retard viral transmission. We all should stipulate to having been fully vaccinated and no French kissing once we're there. I think body shots of tequila should be okay though.
ReplyDeleteTHAT FUCKER WAS STATONIAN!! AAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
ReplyDeleteJohn’s so happy. The crowd is so happy. I’m so happy. Hoostin-hatin feels great!
ReplyDeleteGreinke doesn't have it. We need to NOT let him get out of this first inning.
ReplyDeleteNo French kissing?? Warbler, when did you become such a prude?
ReplyDeleteThe first time I had fully gear up to go into the COVID ICU. I'm not tossing anyone's salad ever again.
ReplyDeletePaulie put it well: Frazier got himself out. Again.
ReplyDeleteA mere sac fly there would've been key.
Well, I guess when you send up a .149 hitter and a .157 hitter, you can't expect too much.
ReplyDeleteBoy, if we only had a speedy, good fielding outfielder who was hitting .313.
Wait...
Look, Frazier is well liked around here, but that at-bat is not making him any new friends
ReplyDeleteI'm good for a stadium trip as long as we start a "FUCK YOU, HAL" chant at least every other inning.
ReplyDeletePre-game, I'm good for regardless.
And I agree about Winnie's rules. Let's not get embarrassing like last time.
All Frazier and Hicks have to do is hit two big, lazy flyable, and the score is 4-1 and the inning is still going on. Instead, they make 3 outs between the two of them. And Greinke is indeed off the hook.
ReplyDeleteTehehee!
ReplyDeleteSUCK IT DWARF!!! GET IN THE TRASH CAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!
ReplyDeleteespn SUCKS
ReplyDeleteI guess they're in the 'entertainment' mode now. Please get back to sports.
ReplyDeleteWAR, huh, yeah
ReplyDeleteWhat is it good for?
Nothing
We've reached the three-run maximum as German begins to sputter. Neat.
ReplyDeleteThree run maximum. Three hitter below the Mendoza line at the bottom of the order. Now it's a bullpen game, so yeah, we're doin' great!
ReplyDeleteThere are four Saturday afternoon games on the schedule in August and September. Mariners, Twins, Orioles, Cleveland. The Birds are Sept 4, 1:05 PM start.
ReplyDeleteThe espn FUCKING MORONS had no problem with the folly floater being outside by 6 inches against the red-headed step child, but a close pitch going the Yankees way?
ReplyDeleteOooohhhhhhhhhhh, no!
The game on the line, perhaps, and we send up...our .164 hitter. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteC'mon, Ragnar!
3 RUNS SCORE ON A DRIBBLER DOWN THIRD!!! 3 RUNS SCORE ON A DRIBBLER DOWN THIRD!!! 3 RUNS SCORE ON A DRIBBLER DOWN THIRD!!!
ReplyDeleteWalked him! :)
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to you can't block the plate without the ball?
Annnnnd Rougie is hurt. Knee? Can't walk. Great. Maldonado had his bell rung. Rougie left knee to Maldonado's head. Rougie taking one for the team. Concussion protocol for Maldonado. Shoulda been the Trash Dwarf.
ReplyDeleteStanton single away?
ReplyDeleteWhat next? Cats playing with dogs?
More situational hitting...bout time...
ReplyDeleteSTANTON GOING THE OTHER WAY FOR ANOTHER RBI!!!!! GIANCARLO, YOU BIG HAMBURGER, YOU'RE ADJUSTING!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to like the rough one also.
ReplyDeleteespn SUCKS,
ReplyDeleteEnough with the mom's basement star wars role playing. Do it when the trash cans are up!
Stanton looks tired from running the bases.
ReplyDeleteHope he gets a day off tomorrow. I mean - one in a row has to be exhausting.
Television baseball broadcasts are clearly produced by people who hate baseball. John is excellent because he mentions every movement, the wind up, the pause, the pitch... all of which ESPN has moved into a box in the corner so they can talk about anything other than baseball.
ReplyDeleteNow a guy who REALLY can make nothing baseball into something, you have to watch Jomboy Media breakdowns on YouTube. He’s a die hard Yankees fan who reads lips and adds something to Baseball. He’s excellent. Most recent example is Cole vs Cabrera, an at bat where nothing happens, but everything happens except on ESPN:
https://youtu.be/PdOS270cFQU
Imagine if anyone at ESPN liked or understood baseball even 2% as much as Jomboy does.
Thanks for the recommendation, B.J.P. Burnside. And you're right: the networks hate baseball. Fuck 'em.
ReplyDeleteBest played Yankees game of the season. Crisp fielding, good relief pitching, timely hitting, and Giancarlo going opposite field. I am now continually scanning the skies for flying pigs.
Shame about Ragnar, but he looked like he might be all right. Gee, too bad we don't have one more feisty, back-up infielder who can play anywhere on the field. A guy so determined, say, that he overcame a gunshot wound...
Yes! The Jomboy videos are fun and interesting. A quantum leap ahead of the Sports Center highlights. Thanks for the tip!
ReplyDeleteThe Jomboy video was great. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteDoug K. (somewhere in Colorado)
ReplyDeleteLOTTO, lottery,jackpot.
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