Waist deep in Big Muddy: The Yankees have few moves to make

Last week, you had to laugh when the Death Barge traded for Tim Locastro. 

It seemed almost zany, outlandish, a madcap hoax cooked up by TV's Impractical Jokers or Russian hackers. (Note to Putin: Between now and the Aug. 1 trade deadline, please hack and disable the Yankees computer system, using the password: foodstampshal100. In return, we will send you Tucker Carlton and a Newsmax host to be named later.)  The Yankees obtained Locastro - a 29-year-old, light-hitting, RH outfielder - in essence, a castoff from baseball's worst team, the totally tanking Diamondbacks of the 115-degrees, boiling-asphalt QAnon outpost in Phoenix. 

Wait... did you read that correctly? Another outfielder?  Didn't we already have a surplus? Wasn't our outfield - like our vaunted bullpen - a traffic jam of strength and depth? 

Well, it's gone. Poof. Vanished. At the all-star break, we're already down to stems and seeds.

Clint Frazier, 2021's greatest disappointment, is out with vertigo - an ailment that vexes trainers and family. It could be nothing. It could be something. Whatever it is, Clint wasn't hitting, and it's hard to see dizzy spells improving his game. He'll probably need a rehab stint in Scranton. Frankly, I wonder if we'll ever again see him in a Yankee lineup. Time is running out. He might need to declare 2021 a mulligan, and find a fresh start somewhere else. 

Miguel Andujar, 2021's second-greatest disappointment, his having an MRI on his hand. Miggy seemed to be coming around, but his numbers - 6 HR and .253 - were hardly impressive - Chase Headleyish. He suffered hand soreness in spring training, and he's now missed two years with injuries. Once, we saw Miggy as a future plaque in Monument Park. Now, he's just another Greg Bird, a guy who looked good and floundered. The Yankees have a long list of such entities. If this were a Julia Roberts movie, they'd be analyzing the soil in Yankee Stadium for carcinogens. 

Brett Gardner is now our CF. In March, he was supposed to be our fifth OF, or maybe a coach somewhere. Next month, he'll turn 38. He's hitting below .200 (and last year batted .223.) We keep waiting for Gardy to heat up. In fact, we're watching an aging veteran being run ragged. 

Aaron Judge - our only all-star hitter - faces leg issues. He'll need occasional rests in August. But Giancarlo Stanton hasn't played one inning in the field - not one - and he probably never will. We've used options on Estevan Florial, who looks overmatched in Scranton. 

No sooner did we trade Mike Tauchman than our OF depth collapsed. Now, the guy we got for Tauchman - Wandy Somethingorother - is out. Remember Aaron Hicks? Doesn't he seem like somebody from the 1980s? And Jay Bruce... did we imagine Jay Bruce? And - gulp - Ryan LaMarre? Yes, I recall a fever dream a sighting of Ryan LaMarre. It's in the fossil record. He came up seven times. Still waiting for a hit. A regular Moonlight Graham. 

And waaaaaaaaay down in the dirt league, our favorite Martian - Jasson Dominquez - has not been looking like the next Mickey or Mike Trout. He went 0-4 last night with two strikeouts. Okay, he's too young to be hanging crap on him. But we must wonder: How could the Yankees have hung such an albatross of expectations around a kid's neck? Can he ever be anything but a disappointment? Was there no one looking out for him?  I mean, they've been releasing YouTube videos of the kid - hyping him like an Instagram influencer. WTF? 

Now and then, I see Gammonites proposing Yankee targets for the upcoming Aug. 1 deadline. I cringe. Dear God, save us from the Aug. 1 trade deadline. It is the biggest reason why we are currently underwater, in this coffin, wearing the straight-jacket. This is when the Yankees obtain players that other teams cannot wait to unload. 

Remember Sonny Gray? (Yesterday, he pitched 7 innings of 2-hit ball for the Reds.) We gave up James Kaprielian - current ERA: 2.84 - and spent two years congratulating ourselves for outsmarting those stupid A's. 

Even in the deal for Locastro, we gave up a 25-year-old pitcher named Keegan Curtis, who was in Double A. All I can say is, write down that name. The Diamondbacks are not stupid, and they are not our friends. They did their homework and saw something in Curtis. The YES announcers will fawn over Locastro - (and I mean him no disrespect; he's from Auburn, outside of Syracuse, my bad) - but they won't gauge the reality of that deal. Another prospect, out the  door. 

So, the writers now blather about moves the Yankees can make, chasing the final wild card birth. Good luck with that. Nobody will absorb Giancarlo's contract. Aroldis Chapman will veto any trade. They cannot deal LeMahieu, who looks overpaid, and they cannot trade Judge, their only star. All their trade chips look severely undervalued, and - here's a shocker - 38-year-old Darren O'Day has tweaked a gonad and might not return until September. 

The Yankees made this quagmire, and they must sleep in it. They have no magical deals to make. Waist deep in the Big Muddy... and the big fool yelled to press on.