HoraceClarke66: Yankees to Play in Field of Dreams Game Tomorrow

 From the infinite cornfields of HoraceClarke66...

Children of the Corn—time to do your stuff!

We would never presume to advise you on who you should choose for your dreadful Satanic sacrifices. But if you’ll notice, Giancarlo Stanton is moving awfully slow these days. 

Just saying.

 I think I speak for all of us here at IIHIIFIIC when I say that we’d be quite willing to trade in the whole lot. Just give us James Earl Jones and Burt Lancaster in return. 

 Hell, we’d even take the Chicago Black Sox. After all, they just wanted to make some decent folding money, and not even Food Stamps Hal approached Charles Comiskey, “the Old Roman,” when it came to being a tightwad.  

 Columbia Eddie Collins, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Cracker Schalk—even Chick Gandil, the chief fixer himself. Could he really play a worse first base than Luke Voit, even if he were trying to lose the game?

 I know, I know. Their shortstop, Swede Risberg, had an OPS of only .662. But The Gleyber’s OPS is just .679, and supposedly he’s trying to win. Plus the guy’s named Swede! Also they have a Buck, a Shano, a Happy, and a Nemo.

 They have an outfielder named Nemo!  

 And that pitching staff! I don’t care if it was the dead ball era, 88 complete games is 88 complete games. 

 Really, we’ll take ’em. We’ll reform ’em. It will be easier than trying to teach the current crop to care. 

 Oh, and one more thing? We’re trying to arrange a special, pre-game tour of the corn for our general manager, Brian Cashman. Would you look into that, please?

We think he’d fit in real well with your organization.