It's time for the Yankees to ditch their outdated Star Wars identity

In case you've missed it, the Yankees recently unveiled a new stadium sound effect: A moaning industrial siren that occasionally blares when an opposing batter reaches two strikes. David Cone compared it to the bellowing of a pregnant whale, instantly inspiring a line of t-shirts. (Ain't capitalism great?) 

In fact, we're told it's the Death Star distress signal from Star Wars. Apparently, it also references a chestnut from GM Brian Cashman, spoken in December of 2018, when he ludicrously described the Yankees as "a fully operational Death Star." 

As the '21 Yankees - turbocharged by Cashman's trade deadline overhaul - chase the obligatory wild card birth (and, maybe, the Rays),I believe I speak for not only the Yankiverse, but for the Star Wars franchise, George Lucas and a generation of graying cosplayers in saying... politely and earnestly:

THE FORCE IS NOT WITH YOU. PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST... NOW! 

As the Yankees chase what has become an all-too rare relevancy in October, it's time for the franchise to ditch the Star Wars imagery. Here's why:

1. We're identifying with the wrong side. Has anyone noted recently that the Death Star was part of the Evil Empire? That's evil - as in bad guys. Okay, I suppose the Yankees seek to portray themselves as a powerful entity, a team feared by all. Well, sad to say but...  we are not that team. The Dodgers are, by far. 

Their $263 million payroll dwarfs ours of $203 million. And if you're looking for true villains, what about the lying, cheating Astros ($191 million payroll) or the hedge-funded owned Mets ($197 million.) Why promote ourselves as bad guys?

2. Despite all its power, the Death Star got blown to smithereens. Hello-o-o? Do you realize that the giant colossus had one measly pressure point, where one well-directed bomb could light up the entire solar system? If anything, that's an image we should avoid. Because if the Yankees do reach the playoffs, our vaunted lineup will have at least one incredible vulnerability . (Hints: late-innings, bullpen, closers.) Do we really we want to go there?

3. Star Wars came out in 1977; it's 45 fucking years old. Have you seen Luke Skywalker lately? He could play Pa Kettle. Star Wars is so old that historians no longer debate the precise moment that everything turned to shit. Was it the Wookie puppet movie? Or Jar-Jar? I'd go with the Star Wars Holiday Special, possibly the worst Christmas show in history, beyond than anything even Kathy Lee Gifford could ejaculate. (The segment where Bea Arthur sings in a bar is for the ages. Fun fact: In the last episode of Maude, the governor of NY appoints her to the House of Representatives!) 

One of the first Star Wars references came in 2002, when Redsock president Larry Luccino lamented that old George Steinbrenner had signed Jose Contreras, calling them "the Evil Empire. " This was back when the Yankees dominated Boston every October, when the Curse of the Bambino haunted all of New England, and the Yankees seemed unbeatable. Those days ended long ago. If anything, the roles flipped in 2004, and ever since, Boston has been the superior franchise.

On top of everything, by culturally appropriating Star Wars, the Yankees are associating themselves with Disney - which now owns Pixar, Marvel, Lucasfilm and Fox. Evil Empire? Draw your own conclusions.

4. The roots of Cashman's original statement could soon haunt us. Sherman, set the Wayback to December of 2018, when the free agents Bryce Harper and Manny Machado were both sort of campaigning to join the Yankees, or at least lure them into a bidding war. (In both cases though, I believe they were sincere: For years, Harper had made no secret of his desire to play for the Yankees, and Machado's wife - a native New Yorker - wanted to go home.) 

But Hal Steinbrenner - whose Daddy issues do resemble a certain Star Wars character - was poormouthing, saying the Yankees couldn't afford such a big expenditure. A writer asked Cashman why the Yankees weren't chasing Harper, and he replied: "All I can keep telling you is, you know where my current focuses are, but at the same time, we're a fully operational Death Star." And so it began.

True to form, our Death Star blew up spectacularly in the 2019 playoffs, thanks to Jose Altuve and some banging trash can lids. (By the way, that should be the stadium's two-out sound effect!)  And here's the current rub: Both Harper and Machado are having great seasons. (Harper with 22 HRs and .290, Machado with 21 HR and .278.) We could end up playing either guy, and he might just have something to prove.

5. By invoking Cashman's statement, the Yankees are referencing the owner's refusal to spend money. That's just wrong. Nobody ever accused the Evil Empire of being cheapo. As Jason Mewes (Jay) told Silent Bob in the 1994 movie Clerks, there had to be a lot of independent contractors working on that Death Star. The Yankee payroll hasn't budged in recent years, as Food Stamps Hal tries to limit his luxury taxes. Neither Palpatine nor Darth Vader would ever have skimped on quality.  

6. While we're discussing good guys/bad guys, how about the beard thing? In the movies, bad guys wear beards (yeah, it's changing, but face it, facial hair is still a bad guy thing.) These days, some baseball teams look like the Taliban. The clean-shaven Yankees should be the good guys. This notion that the Mets are loveable underdogs? That's ridiculous. They've been to the World Series more recently (2015) than we have. 

The Yankees should be America's team. They just blew up their farm system to bet everything on a wild card birth - a last-ditch shot at 2021. That's the stuff of Indiana Jones, or Captain America, or John Wick - they jumped from the airplane, and now, somehow, they've got to catch that parachutist. They are not Emperor Palpatine. They are Tom Cruise, and this is an impossible mission. And we should abandon the Dark Side.