Well, I say... Truth is Truth.
Comrades... HEAR ME:
Tonight, we take the field of combat against the money-abusing, hate-mongering, chaos-loving Boston Redsocks - an ancient franchise born from racist, violent, witch-burning zealots, who giddily tank their teams every three years in order to play us in a game like this.
These insects in human form must never be allowed to take control of the American League East or - for that matter - New England.
They are enemies of humanity, of democracy, of decency - their Boston cream pie is larded with unnecessary calories - and they must not only be held accountable for their crimes, but they should be locked up for the rest of their lives, without parole or the light of day.
I do not favor the death penalty: It's too easy on these merchants of misery, who deserve to hear only the disgusted boos of rats in the dungeons to which they should be sentenced.
We have tried to befriend these treasonous, Hell-born dullards, offering crumbs of bread, only to have them nip our fingers with their razor-sharp teeth.
No more!
I am done with trying to reason with them, with trying to understand their frat-boy, Ben Affleck-as John Updyke god.
These wretched, criminally insane traitors - and their sexually deviant mob of supporters - must be silenced forever, their tongues left to dry on the pocked sidewalks of their backwoods town. They have the depth of a supermodel writing a children's book.
And to the turncoat YES Channel announcers who play their vicious game - who go along with their rigged "scoreboard" numbers- you too shall also face our swift and merciless gallows.
We shall not leave the counting of "runs" up to Michael Kay - who is owned, lock-stock-and-barrel - by Boston bosses and their media henchmen.
Tonight, true Americans - Yankee fans - must take to the streets, the airways and wifi hotspots to demand that the final score reflects the lustful beatdown that Boston deserves, so the denizens of that hell-hole can never again hurt innocent people from Baltimore and Kansas City.
It is time for the cannons of the Yankiverse to rain real clam chowder - Manhattan style! - upon these horrible, breastmilk-obsessed creeps.
In the name of the Jeter, the Mick and the Holy Babe...
Let us prey.
Benedícat vos omnípotens Ruthus, et Scooter, et Mantleus, et Spíritus Jeterus.
ReplyDeleteSo endeth the JuJu.
Unless I missed it, I believe our fearless leader El Duque has not activated the JuJu FIRE ALARM all season, which is how it should be for this 2021 team. We here at IIHIIFIIC have a 'complicated relationship' with the Yankees, we hate their powers that be, yet yearn for the player's success. I don't feel like any play in/playoff outcome will effect Cashman's job, so I'm resigned to rooting for my boys in pinstripes. I deeply feel The Master's excitement when there is a beautiful play, or a glorious win, so I'm battening down the hatches, with no real expectations, and will be rooting like HELL tonight, channeling The Master as my spirit animal for whatever outcome awaits,,,,,
ReplyDeleteGOOOOOO YANKESS!
FUCK HAL!
FUuuuuuuUCK CASHMAN!!!!!!!!!
Much LOVE to you all, you insanely beautiful recalcitrants!
Man plans, the Juju gods laugh.
ReplyDeleteAll one may do is debase oneself before the majesty of the Lords of JuJu and play the game right. All else is illusion.
ReplyDeleteThey know when you've been good.
ReplyDeleteThey know when you've been bad.
They know when you're an intern.
And they know when you've been had.
So you'd better watch out.
You'd better not cry.
You'd better not shout.
I'm telling you why...
Juju gods are coming to town.
Whom Los Jujus would destroy, they first deprive of their senses...
ReplyDeleteSuck the fox!
ReplyDeleteI summon the spirits of our ancient pinstriped fathers
ReplyDeleteBambino, and Horse of Iron, and Chief Jolting Joe
We beseech thee, oh Commerce Comet, Lefty the Great, and Yogi the Wise,
And we call upon your children in our hour of need
Reggie the Loud
Thurman the Strong
Mattingly the Wizard
Paul the Warrior
Hideki the Ninja
Mariano the Dependable
And Derek the Living God
Unleash the hellfire of Yankee bats
Unleash the dancing laser beams of Yankee pitches
Bury the ungodly bearers of the hideous yellow uniforms.
Amen
Amen INDEED Bucky the Dent!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo today is the anniversay of the Mick destroying his knee for the first time, in the 1951 World Series, when his spikes got caught in the drainage grate to hell. (After Joe D called him off a fly ball he was chasing down.)
ReplyDeleteIs this a bad omen? No, that was the one Gregory Peck starred in. I believe it is actually a sign, a monument to the nobility, the sacrifice, the hurculean effort that are the Yankees' hallmark.
As Mantle sacrificed his knee for our sins, this flawed yet sometimes brilliant team must be willing to sacrifice itself on every play, on every pop up into the opposing team's dugout, on every pitch, and running out every meager grounder to the infield. They must bunt and slap the other way against the shift, make superhuman effort to catch every batted ball, block every errant pitch and leap over any wall to prevent a home run (Green Monster excepted, of course).
If we can do this, if we can play at our maximum level of concentration and effort, we will beat these yellow shirted clowns.
And yeah, Sanchez, that goes for you, too.
Oh, Duque. You have outdone yourself!
ReplyDeleteCole career at Fenway Park:
ReplyDelete5.21 ERA
Cole against the Red Sox this year:
4.91 ERA
Cole's last five starts:
6.15 ERA
It's the hope that will kill you.
And JM, that was indeed a black day.
ReplyDeleteBUT! Theologically necessary!
The Mick went on to play the rest of his incredible career with a torn ACL
that was never properly repaired.
IS THERE ANY GREATER PROOF THAT HE WAS A GOD COME TO
RESIDE AMONGST US???
No, there is not.
So here are your baseball-reference odds on teams winning the World
ReplyDeleteSeries:
Tampa Bay Rays: 16.5%
Atlanta Braves: 14.2%
San Francisco Giants: 13.9%
Los Angeles Dodgers: 12.7%
Houston Astros: 12.3%
Milwaukee Brewers: 10.6%
Chicago White Sox: 9.1%
Boston Red Sox: 3.8%
St. Louis Cardinals: 3.0%
And your New York Yankees: 3.9%
It all makes a certain sense—save for the Braves at 14.2%. I actually think
that might be a misprint. Atlanta has the worst record of any team in the
playoffs. And why so low for the Cards, a team that has been hot as a pistol
of late?
Anyway, there you have it. I think everybody’s chances of winning it all
improve greatly if St. Loo knocks off the Dodgers tomorrow night.
Fuck St Louis to death with the smoking embers of Fenway Park and Ted Williams' thawed oozing rotting head.
ReplyDeleteAnd Big Papi's buttocks.
And I mean all of St Louis, the town, not just the franchise.
ReplyDeleteI mean we can start with the franchise, see how that goes and move on from there?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThe idea that the Braves stand a better chance of a WS than the Giants is a joke. The Braves won their division because every other team took three steps backward while the Giants won 107 games in the same division with LA and SD.
And the Yankees at 3.9? I’m surprise it’s that high. This team could go on a streak either way and be gone and done tonight, but even if they win tonight, they’ll be gone and done shortly thereafter. My guess at the Yankees chances: zero. Maybe even less than that.
Even more depressing: The Intern and Boooooone will be back to torture us again next year. Why? Because Harold is a spineless twat.
Tampa has a better chance than the Giants and the Dodgers? Atlanta has a better chance? Houston more than the Red Sox?
ReplyDeleteAs for our meager 3.9%, that's fine. It's motivation.
Unless Cole gets his ass kicked at Fenway again.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete1) El Duque's Post
ReplyDeleteBut how do you really feel?
2) Bucky The Dent
Great invocation!
We need more pitching though. Don't leave it to Cole the Frustrated.
There's Guidry He Of The Lightning, Whitey The Good Ford From Our Past, Andy Le Grand Pettit, and "Put up your" Duque!
All hands on deck!
3) 3%
If the Yankee chances were in our daily glass of milk we would all die of heart attacks.
4) Ju-Ju Gods
Ju-Ju Gods don't exist. We are monotheists.
5) Tonight's Game
Apparently Sanchez is on the bench but don't worry, he can always pinch hit with a man on third with less than two outs in a one run game and then take Higgy's place for a bottom of the ninth passed ball. So there's that.
6 and Last) As Tom Waits once sang, about tonight's game...
No, the moon ain't romantic, it's intimidating as hell
And some guy's trying to sell me a watch
And so I'll meet you at the
Bottom of a bottle of bargain Scotch.
I got me a bottle and a dream
It's so maudlin it seems...
Let's do it!
We finally have Greg Allen back on the roster. For this game.
ReplyDeleteGee, why not Jonathan Davis? (eye roll, dripping sarcasm)
COLLECTIVE INSANITY!
ReplyDeleteI HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE.
I MUST STICK TO MY REGIMEN.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
ONWARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!
For what it's worth, I dreamed the Yankees were winning big in this game. And angry Red Sux fans were rioting in the streets of Boston.
ReplyDeleteThe Hammer of God
Whistling in the dark El Duque. I fear a complete collapse by this strange incarnation of my beloved Yankees
ReplyDeleteWE CAN WIN IT ALL!!!
ReplyDeleteWe won't, but we can. Depending.
Me? I think tonight depends entirely on Cole. If he's on—and I mean, really on, 6-7 innings of one-run ball—we win. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteIf he's not—say, yanked after 3 innings and 4 runs—no way.
But of course, there's always the Chapo wild card!
My biggest ambitions for this postseason are: beat Boston.
ReplyDeleteThere is absolutely no way in the world we are winning 3 of 5 from TB, a team infinitely more intelligent than ours.
Our 11 options out of the bullpen tonight have combined as relievers this season to put up:
ReplyDelete2.76 ERA, 0.92 HR/9, 7.7 BB%, 28.8 K%, and 46.5 GB% in 440.2 IP
There's no Brooks Kriske, Andrew Heaney, Nick Nelson, Justin Wilson, Sal Romano, Albert Abreu, etc. around to fuck things up.
Boone has got to be prepared to immediately go to the pen if Cole doesn't look sharp (watch the number of swings and misses he's getting and how many hard-hit ball he's allowing). It's the one big advantage we have over Boston tonight: the depth of the bullpen.
I've heard directly from my bean-town sources that for the past 72 hours Cole has been on a strict beef liver, sage honey and pumpkin spice latte diet to help increase the sticky viscosity of his sweat for tonight's matchup. So, if after going to his forehead and mouth to rub up a new ball he briefly pauses, cocks his head and smacks his lips together in tasty yum yum satisfaction you know . . . it's working.
ReplyDeleteZachA, your analysis and enthusiasm are ponderous! Love the intellectual energy (and futility) you bring! It's like a Flopsweat fastball in the ninth inning of a deciding game, that is to say DOOMED!! THE YANKEES ARE DOOMED!! NO AMOUNT OF HONEY LIVER PUMPKIN SPICE STICKUM WILL SAVE US!!!
ReplyDeleteDDOOOOOOOOMMMEEDDDDD!!!!
ReplyDeleteDIABOLICAL STICKINESS YE SPEAK OF
ReplyDeleteAnd let’s have a moment of silence for ALL CAPS, who chose not to be here anymore.
ReplyDeleteAnd then let’s fill a few drops for the boys upstate.
And then let’s cross our fingers and kiss our asses goodbye.
AND THERE'S-NO-NEED
ReplyDeleteTO-BE-GLUM
BECAUSE OF COLE'S
HONEY LIVER PUMKIN SPICE STICK-UM
IT'S UP TO YOU
NEW YUCK
NEW YUCK
Bit, I can't say I miss the nasty little prick.
ReplyDeleteALG, you have to suggest that flavor to Starschmucks. Maybe add lemon. Not that it matters, they'll burn it anyway like the rest of their coffee.
Zach, we have a great bullpen for tonight. And a couple of speedsters. And Sanchez on the bench. And Judge and John Carlo.
Boone will fuck it up. We all know the story of the frog and the scorpion. He can't help it.
Rumor mill...Yanks lose tonight, Boone loses his job...
ReplyDeleteWho are you rooting for?
Indeed, Zach, great work!
ReplyDeleteThrough the process of evolution—or, for all you fundamentalists on this site, of elimination—we have honed the pen down to its very best.
The only one we don't have confidence in...
J.D. Martinez out of lineup for Boston...
ReplyDeleteAww, JM, I miss ALL-CAPS. Though I have to admit, he pushed my limits when he expressed sympathy for that guy who was sending letter bombs to Democratic legislators.
ReplyDeleteA gold-plated jerk, our ALL CAPS.
ReplyDeleteI thought Martinez was being pumped by the Sox's PR department as Bloody Sock 2. Exaggerating the injury so he can come in and being "inspirational."
Might still happen if he can pinch hit.
@JM...from NY Post...J.D. Martinez was left off the roster for the Red Sox’s showdown against the Yankees at Fenway Park, two days after he stumbled over the bag running out to play right field during Game 162.
ReplyDeleteWow. He tripped over a base going out to field? That's priceless. MasterCard should do a commercial for the New York market.
ReplyDeleteJM 👍🏼
ReplyDeleteGio at third and Squid at short!
ReplyDeleteWow.
Gallo cleanup? Oy.
C Plawecki (102 wRC+) C Higashioka (71 wRC+)
ReplyDelete1B Dalbec (107 wRC+) 1B Rizzo (112 wRC+)
2B Arroyo (106 wRC+) 2B Torres (94 wRC+)
SS Bogaerts (130 wRC+) SS Velazquez (57 wRC+)
3B Devers (134 wRC+) 3B Urshela (96 wRC+)
LF Verdugo (107 wRC+) LF Gallo (123 wRC+)
CF Hernandez (110 wRC+) CF Gardner (93 wRC+)
RF Renfroe (114 wRC+) RF Judge (148 wRC+)
DH Schwarber (145 wRC+) DH Stanton (137 wRC+)
Position by position, the Red Sox look a LOT stronger on offense.
Every single Boston batter is above-average offensively.
Tanaka was built for this game. Socks must be happy he's not here.
ReplyDeleteThat's kinda misleading. Those are, I take it, season-long numbers. And in a single game, the variances can be drastic. Also, tonight's comparisons need to be, at the least, "what have you done for me lately." Who's hot? Who's not?
ReplyDeletePlus, the Yankees are sending out their best defensive team. Mistake? We'll see.
ReplyDeleteTonight is a win-win.
If the Yankees win... they win.
If the Yankees lose... change is a comin' and we win.
Doug K.
Change? I don't think so. Win or lose, I don't think Brainless or even Mission Impossible Booooooooone are going anywhere. I'm most interested to see if my dream was correct, that the Yankees will take a big lead and Boston fans will riot.
ReplyDeleteThe Hammer of God
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to think anymore
DickAllen, may I suggest thinking this:
ReplyDeleteWE ARE DOOMED!! DDOOOOOOOOMMMEEDDDDD!!!! DDOOOOOOOOMMMEEDDDDD!!!! DDOOOOOOOOMMMEEDDDDD!!!!
Well, this is going just great!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThe Knicks are winning tonight
ReplyDeleteCole has inherited Chapman's sweat glands.