Who's on first? It's fair to say the Yankees haven't a clue

Okay, the clocks have stopped, all is nigh, which is a great time to assess our looming Yankee catastrophe. 

Imagine the lineup as a minefield - with danger zones at catcher, shortstop and centerfield. That said, I'd still nominate first base for the Golden Globe in the category of Best Disaster. 

There, the situation is currently so awful, so out of balance, that we should fear a mega-trade - a Buhner deal, a Drabek deal, a decade-killer - which will wreck the 2020s. Don't think it can't happen. 

Think: Oakland's Matt Olson. Whenever I read rumors about the Yankees getting Olson, I get the feeling I'm 14 and playing APBA - which was once the baseball version of Magic Cards. Bloggers toss out wacky trade scenarios where opposing GMs covet Miguel Andujar, Luke Voit and Gary Sanchez - all of whom I believe Cashman, if he had the chance, would deal for a tin of sardines. We're talking about negotiating with Billy Beane, folks, not Dopey Dildox. He's not going to send us a rising star without demanding a trove of kidneys and healthy livers. Imagine the decimation of our farm system - and then double it.

So, here's our potential first base continuum for 2022: 

a) We sign Freddie Freeman. What a crock. This is a fantasy throwback to 1998, when stars flocked to the Yankees. Close your eyes, and imagine yourself frolicking in a field of erect nipples. That's what this is. Enjoy it. But it won't happen. It's just fun to think.  

b) We sign Anthony Rizzo. This is actually possible, though it depends on length and breath of the contract. Rizzo seems a solid fellow, and he bats LH - critical. But last year, gulp, he totaled only 61 RBIs. Sixty-one. Wow. I mean, that's... wow. (Gary Sanchez had 54,) He's 31, and he peaked in 2017. Not the worst that could happen. Just sayin.'

c) Olson. See above. How much of the farm are we willing to trade? He'll be 28 this year.

d) Luke Voit. You know what? I take back what I said about Freeman. The absolutely wildest, most bonkers fantasy scenario is that Luke stays healthy and returns to his pandemic mini-year ways. The saddest part of 2021 is that Luke didn't hit much when healthy. His glove, already made of lead, worsened. He could be a decent DH for some National League team. But our DH cup runneth over. He'll be 31 this year. One of my sons said, with his mighty bare chest half-exposed, looks like a circus strongman. I cannot get that image out of my mind. 

e) DJ LeMahiue. This works as a worst-case scenario. LeMahieu's 2021 was an ongoing cavalcade of red flags. His greatest value is as a Swiss Army Knife, capable of playing anywhere. A full-time at 1B? A RH? Yeesh, I dunno. We need him to hit .330, and I'm not sure he'll ever to do that again.

f) The unknown. Chris Gittens has decamped to Japan. (Prediction: He'll find himself and return in two years as a highly sought slugger.) Our other 1B at Scranton was 26-year-old Brandon Wagner, who hit .158 with 4 HRs. The Yankees have no Mattingly, or even a Nick Johnson, in the system. They talk shifting about former top pick Austin Wells from C to 1B. That would diminish his value and come too late to help us in 2022.

Who's on first? I know: It's Holy "The Fuck" Arewescrewed.