Wednesday, February 9, 2022

It finally happened: The Yankiverse has been broken by the lockout

Yesterday, the great Mike Axisa - (founder of River Avenue Blues, now of RAB Thoughts on Patreon  subscribe here, dammit) - began drinking the Kool-Aid, straight from the unicorn's teat. 

He outlined the Yankee lineup with Freddie Freeman at 1B.

And lemme tellya somepin: 'Tis one fine-ass lineup. I mean, Calgon Beauty Bath Beads, take me awaaay... Here we go:

3b DJ LeMahieu
rf Aaron Judge
1b Freddie Freeman
dh Giancarlo Stanton
lf Joey Gallo
2b Gleyber Torres
cf Aaron Hicks
ss Gio Urshela 
c Gary Sanchez 

Wow. Roll the credits. I'm Margery Taylor Green, and I approve this message. Even the idea of Gary and Gio and Hicks, (oh my) doesn't sweat me. 

Nor did it bother our brothers and sisters at Yanks Go Yard, another staple of my daily diet. Last night, YGY projected a Yankee infield with a tab of Viagra in Hal's bloodstream, instead of saltpetre. Strap in, folks, here we go... 

1b Freddie Freeman
2b Gleyber Torres
3b Matt Chapman
ss Trevor Story
utility DJ LeMahieu

As Ricardo Montalban would say, "I LIKE what they have done to my cah." But I say, more!  I mean, the Phillies must be itching for a ditching. The right call, the right offer - so long, Martian? - and here's our lineup:

ss Trevor Story
rf Aaron Judge
lf Bryce Harper
dh Giancarlo Stanton
1b Freddie Freeman
3b Matt Chapman
2b Gleyber Torres
cf Aaron Hicks
c Gary Sanchez 

I'm thinking 135 wins and gold in the AL East. But, gulp, why stop here? It's time for the C-word: Clones. Here's my lineup:

cf Willie Mays
rf Aaron Judge
lf Bryce Harper
dh Giancarlo Stanton
1b Freddie Freeman
3b Matt Chapman
 c Johnny Bench
2b Gleyber Torres
ss Trevor Story

Okay, we made it. We've finally reached that Airport Ramada in the sky, where reality infuses with the $476,000 Jasson Dominguez card and the cafeteria lunch ladies' Spice Girls cosplay. We're no longer yearning for spring training. We're in the Yankee Hogwarts. 

Face it, everyone: The lockout broke us. 

We're now two months past Dec. 2, when time ceased to flow - since there has been nothing more to write. Yet the Yankiverse - like a space probe from a dead planet - is still sending messages, still seeking to ponder the unconvincing, underwhelming and uncaring product that was once the 2022 Yankees. 

I have no more words to throw on the fire, except maybe these from Allen Ginsberg...

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn
looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection
to the starry dynamo
in the machinery of night...

Ginsberg could have been decent a Yankee blogger. 

Sleep, children. You fought a good fight. But it's over. The lockout won.

at

15 comments:

  1. Ken of BrooklynFebruary 9, 2022 at 8:53 AM

    MOLOCK! MOLOCK! What sphinx of Cashman and Hal bashed open our skulls and ate up our brains and imagination?

    ReplyDelete
  2. TheWinWarblistFebruary 9, 2022 at 9:14 AM

    This is why I get up every morning.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TheWinWarblistFebruary 9, 2022 at 9:17 AM

    It's also why I snort psilocybin.

    ReplyDelete
  4. DickAllenFebruary 9, 2022 at 9:34 AM



    This winter of my discontent is not going to be made suddenly summer by these sons of bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  5. JMFebruary 9, 2022 at 10:31 AM

    2022--during the third year of Corona, baseball folds.

    Sad. Avoidable. Stupid.

    But since Hal really DOES suck, maybe it's for the best. I dunno anymore. Mikaela Shiffrin can't finish a run, we're still waiting for the final season of Better Call Saul, and America is under siege by authoritarians.

    It's apocalyptic, I tell ya.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Doug K.February 9, 2022 at 11:37 AM

    Duque,

    Willie Mays I'll give you but Johnny Bench over, I don't know, Yogi! Or Thurm?

    No 1976 Reds! Ever. They tried. It doesn't work. Does the name Don Gullet ring a bell? :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. HoraceClarke66February 9, 2022 at 11:50 AM

    Yeah, if they don't run another Better Call Saul pretty soon, that old ex-cop dude is going to need a hip replacement. So will the hot young lawyer...

    ReplyDelete
  8. HoraceClarke66February 9, 2022 at 11:51 AM

    ...speaking of Ginsberg, did you know that Jack Kerouac once invented his own, fantasy card baseball league? As a grown man? True story! He was recovering from something or other in the hospital. Probably a Sox fan, though...

    ReplyDelete
  9. AboveAverageFebruary 9, 2022 at 12:07 PM

    Hey - do what I did - have some surgery to help pass the lockout - (although you may need some miraLAX, Suzyn, to help pass the entire 2022 season)

    ReplyDelete
  10. DickAllenFebruary 9, 2022 at 12:23 PM


    AboveAverage, I like this idea:

    And I would like to suggest immediate heart surgery for Harold - and instruct the surgeon to go in through his feet.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AlphonsoFebruary 9, 2022 at 2:41 PM

    Whatever happens, we cannot have Gil as our starting SS.

    He is third baseman. DJ is second baseman. Gleyber is bench or trade bait.

    ReplyDelete
  12. AlphonsoFebruary 9, 2022 at 2:42 PM

    GIO not Gil. We could have Gil. But he is dead.

    ReplyDelete
  13. el duqueFebruary 9, 2022 at 4:33 PM

    Gil Gamesh. The ill-fated pitcher in the greatest baseball novel ever written, "The Universal Baseball Association: Henry J. Waugh, Proprietor," by Robert Coover.

    ReplyDelete
  14. UnknownFebruary 9, 2022 at 5:14 PM

    Sadly, here is our opening day lineup:

    1B Rizzo
    2B Gleyber
    3B DJ
    SS Urshela
    LF Gallo
    CF Hicks
    RF Judge
    DH Stanton

    Rizzo will be our big shiny toy. Maybe - MAYBE - we get Story on a one year pillow deal to re-establish his value after a few down years.

    Expect nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. BTR999February 9, 2022 at 10:06 PM

    Expect nothing

    Receive nothing

    Feel nothing

    ReplyDelete

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