If the 2022 season is delayed, both baseball and America will be irreparably scarred.
Both sides are dramatically underestimating the anger of fans, who for generations have forgiven their gluttony and avarice.
It is time for drastic action.
This One-Off Super Supreme Court will be comprised of nine American icons. Their ruling - taken by vote - shall decide the matter, once and for all.
I NOMINATE THE FOLLOWING FOR A ONE-OFF SUPER SUPREME COURT:
Chief Justice Bruce Fredrick Joseph Springsteen, 72. Entertainer, philosopher.
Justice Beyonce' Giselle Knowles-Carter, 40. Dancer, poet, mom.
Justice Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger, 74. Political leader, humorist.
Justice Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, 75. Fighter, brother of Frank.
Justice Michael Jeffrey Jordan, 58, Former baseball player, designer.
Justice Oprah Gail Winfrey, 68. Host, mogul, social critic.
Justice Warren Edward Buffet, 91, Mathematician, futurist.
Justice Steven Allan Spielberg, 75. Filmmaker, romanticist.
Justice Diana Ross, 77. Leader of the Supremes.
FIRST ALTERNATE: Alphonso, age unknown, IT IS HIGH delegate (who is recovering well from Covid, by the way.)
President Biden, your job is simple: Draft these members by executive order. Convene the panel via Zoom. How about next Wednesday, 9 a.m.? Give each side 90 minutes to make its pitch. Let the Super Court have the weekend to mull. The following Monday, it will vote. The decision will be issued Tuesday, Feb. 15, with details to be hashed out later. By order of Chief Justice Springsteen... camps will open at their designated times.
We can save baseball. Maybe, we can save America. Yeah, it's nutty. But you know what's nuttier? This current bullshit, with no end in sight.
(Note: The comments section has some excellent replacement suggestions.)
Michael Jordan is an owner. Have Ken Burns take his place. He loves the game.
ReplyDeleteIn fact all the judges should "love the game" to insure that the outcome is best for the sport.
So
Ken Burns
Bob Costas
Barack Obama
Sonya Sotamayor - Yankee fan plus she has experience as a supreme court justice
Oprah
Paul Giamatti - son of the last good and fair commissioner.
Bill James
Chico Escuela - because base ball has been berry berry good to him
and... El Duque. We trust you. Go for it!
ReplyDeleteI'd swap Historian and baseball fan Doris Kearns Goodwin for Sylvester Stallone.
But that's just me.
A great idea. I like the proposed Court members, and like Doug's even more. And LBJ's idea is excellent.
ReplyDeleteIf only baseball fan Dick Nixon was here. I'm sure he'd have a couple of tricks up his sleeve to get this thing settled.
Add some of those people, and this idea actually could work.
ReplyDeleteThe players union did not want federal mediation so the season is gonna be delayed...sigh...
ReplyDeleteOkay... revamped nine-member court.
ReplyDeleteChief Justice Springsteen
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Ken Burns
Barack Obama
Bob Costas
Paul Giammati
And three from...
Bill James
Peter Gammons
Larry David
Stephen King
Jimmy Carter
David Letterman
and, if necessary, to finance it through a reverse mortgage... Tom Selleck.
I'd have Larry David as Supreme Court Chief Justice. Stack the court with pro-Yankees fan justices. He was the one who introduced the world to George Steinbrenner who was previously generally only known to Yankees and die-hard baseball fans. While he might not MAGA, he would certainly make America pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good again.
ReplyDeleteOne thing about most baseball fans: After once again being beaten by the owners and to some degree the players, once the impasse is passé, most fans will grovel on their knees to MLB and ask for 20 more lashings.
As long as Alphonso recovers, this whole disgusting season can go to hell. I don’t care anymore.
ReplyDeleteYonkers Strong!
Exactly, Bitty! Alphonso, Dauntless Leader, get well soon!! Let us know if there's anything we can do (send you old World Series videos, Charlie Smith baseball cards, etc.)
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, Duque...but I'm still rooting for the lockout!!!
America is one thing—that's up to us. But The Lockout is the only way we will ever get out game back!!!
MLB deserves to die. A visionary zillionaire should start or buy an independent league and challenge the anti-trust exemption.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait until the updated USFL, owned by FOX, starts up in April. If MLB is not playing, it'll fill the void nicely and reinforce what people alraedy know...MLB is a shitty product. Good riddance. Or, even better, USFL games will have better ratings than MLB national ganes. A complete humiliation that MLB deserves. Hopefully, it'll lead to MLB's destruction. Let a thousand independent leagues flourish thereafter.
The players don't want federal mediation because the owners' call for it is theater... they have not been negotiating, but this makes it look like they want to.
ReplyDeleteWe have our memories and plenty to watch and learn about from the past, if we want to. To quote Mr. G. Carlin on anorexics: "Rich cunt don't want to eat? Fuck 'er!"
ReplyDeleteAgreed, Publius!
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, the USFL ought to go back to two-way football. It would be a whole other game, and a lot of fun—guys who would have to be entirely different athletic types.
Never happen, of course.
What about Rudy Giuliani? A loyal Yankee fan. Besides, every court needs a jester.
ReplyDelete