“Because of the logistical realities of the calendar, another two series are being removed from the schedule, meaning that Opening Day is postponed until April 14th. We worked hard to reach an agreement and offered a fair deal with significant improvements for the players and our fans. I am saddened by this situation’s continued impact on our game and all those who are a part of it, especially our loyal fans.”

Such words, such incredibly heartfelt words... 

Man, that Rob Manfred - a true poet! A wordsmith! Somehow, he crafts each sweet smelling bouquet, a melody of sincerity that hath clearly welled up from his captive soul. He doesn't mention canceled games. Fie on that. Instead, series are being "removed from the schedule -" like lice from a schoolboy's hair - yes, he's the expert gardener, pruning his existential bed of roses, for the good of us all. 

And why are the series being removed? It's "the logistical realities of the calendar"- yes, it's the crushing, eternal burden of time, itself. O wicked clock master, ye hath stolen from us yet another week! But ye shalt never pinch out the ownership flame, which burns brightly as a billion suns! Bob's yer uncle! 

"We worked hard to reach an agreement..." O, I am sure they did. I can see these demons of workload - mustering stern and icy glares from across the table - jaws clenched, nostrils flared! They shuffle their papers menacingly and hold their water, long after desperately needing to pee. And then, when before the cameras, they sadly report the impasse, performing Hamlet as well as the best of them - Sandler, Ferrell or even Carey.   

"I am saddened by this situation's continued impact..." Yes, 'tis a terrible situation. Not a lockout. A... situation. And absolutely terrible. If only someone could do something. So sad. So unbelievably sad. Terrible, in fact. Just... I mean, it's so awful, it's really bad. Really, really bad. Words cannot express my sadness, except that I stand here now, cap in hand, and say - and I mean this sincerely - I'm not just saying it... really, really, really sad! 

I cannot write onwardly. My heart, 'tis cleaved into ventricles! I cannot see the keys of the board o'er the salt flow from mine eyes. Calgon Beauty Bath Beads, take me away!