A treatment to be flushed out and made into something or other, presented for your entertainment.
Damned Yankee
We open on Joe Seely, a seventy four year old drunk angry
Yankee fan, sitting in his heavily memorabilia themed den. He is watching in
agony as the Yankees lose the Play In Wild Card Game again as their 375 Million
dollar starter craps out.
In a series of short monologues bemoaning his situation as a
lifetime fan, the state of the team, and the state of baseball altogether, he announces,
to no one in particular, that he would sell his soul to the devil if he could play
for the Yankees and pitch the greatest game in the history of World Series.
The Devil appears, looking quite a bit like Ray Walston. Right
down to the Martian antenna on his head. Joe notes this and Ray says he’s late
for another gig. Keeping the antenna on saves
time.
A negotiation begins. In order to trade his soul Joe wants a
few things:
He wants to be 26 again.
The Cutter of Mariano Rivera
The Curveball of Andy Pettitte
The Sinker of Roger Clemens
The Slider of Ron Guidry
and just for shits and giggles a
Folly Floater.
At first they were going to go with FFFCCSS but, after sounding it out, didn’t for obvious reasons.
In the end they give up on the word thing. Doomed by a lack of vowels.
That said, the abilities are granted.
Next, The Devil explains to him that he’s not going to make
him younger because that’s just nuts.
Besides, with all of the social media, there is no way that
a guy could come out of nowhere and pitch like Ron Guidry in 1978.
What he can do however, is put Joe in a trance, take his
soul, and place it into an existing pitcher on the Yankees. He will, in effect, become that pitcher, albeit
with the aforementioned skills. Next season Joe will get to pitch down the stretch
into the playoffs and then culminate their deal with the greatest pitching
performance in the history of the World Series.
Joe agrees.
The following September his soul is transferred to the
Yankees Number Three Starter. Joe asks, “Why him?” and is told that they need the Number One and Two
starters to pitch well as well, so they get to the series.
Down the stretch Joe is wildly successful and the Yankees win
the division.
In the ALCS he clinches the series and seals the win with a
perfect Folly Floater.
The post-game press conference is chaos. The Folly Floater
was the last straw! The press wants to know how a “decent number three”
suddenly has the command of every pitch in the annals of the game.
Joe almost spills the beans but is saved when Burgess Meredith
Merkovitz, a zaftig Yankee homer wearing a dress that looks like a tuxedo, asks
him how it felt to win the game, allowing Joe to go back to “Baseball Platitudes
101”
We see a brief overview of the Series. With the games tied
3-3, Joe is named as the starting
pitcher for Game Seven!
The night before The Devil reappears and offers him an opt out. It’s a standard contract item. Just to gage
level of commitment. Joe is all in.
He begins the game with a perfect inning. Three up. Three
strikeouts. Nine pitches! The second inning is a repeat of the first. Three Up.
Three Strikeouts. Nine Pitches. Amazing!!! The third, fourth, fifth, sixth! Not
just a No-Hitter… Not just a Perfect Game… An Immaculate Game! THE Immaculate
Game!
The announcers in the booth declare this to be, “The greatest
performance in World Series History! And
if you haven’t been up to your greatest performance, Himmmms gets you back in
the game. No chip shots using a foul pole. Himmmms lets you go deep!”
As Joe gets ready to take the field for the seventh with the
Yankees up two - zip the manager takes him aside. His day is done. The bull pen
will take it from here.
At first Joe is confused and then goes ballistic. “I haven’t even given up a foul ball! How
could you take me out!!!!!!” The manager points to his binder. “Third time
through the line-up.” Nothing he can do about it.
Joe watches from the dugout in disbelief as the team coughs
up the two run lead.
In the ninth the Yankees closer, a man with serious perspiration
issues gives up the series winning home run on a ball so soaked with sweat that
the spray drenches the fans in the front row like they were at Sea World or a
Gallagher Concert.
The Yankees Lose. Theeeeeeeee Yankeeeees Lose!
We cut to Joe sitting on a stool in the Yankee locker room.
In Hell.
Flames everywhere. The other lockers have the names of other
Yankee players who sold their soul. Brian Doyle. Kevin Mass. Carl Pavano.
We see demons and other nefarious characters of the
netherworld, such as deformed winged troll like monsters who resemble Dick
Young and Rob Manfred.
There is someone sitting on the stool in the locker next to
his…
Joe: “You know…
I’m not sure it was worth it.”
Billy Martin: “Tell
me about it.”
THE END
I had the pleasure of seeing kevin Mass hit what was at the time, the longest HR in King Dome history... A blast
ReplyDeleteDoug, this might become both a play, and a tale whispered to little Yankee fans on Halloween. Of course, in years in which we make the playoffs. Great job!
ReplyDeletePS, Ray Walston and Burgess Meredith were nice touches.
Absolutely amazing, Doug K.! Oh, baby, I love it—right down to the Ray Walston joke!
ReplyDeleteOne small caveat: Brian Doyle is not in hell. Even if he did make a deal with the Mr. Scratch for that 1978 postseason, by now the countless prayers of innumerable Yankees fans have lifted his soul to heaven.
Funny article!
ReplyDeleteThe ultimate Faustian deal has to be Cano. All that attention… then…RIEN
ReplyDeleteWezil,
ReplyDeleteYes Cano would have been a great choice for a locker. Nice call.
Sorry I'm late to this discussion. This piece was excellent. Thanks for it.
ReplyDelete