Friday, October 7, 2022

How to root in the first round: The thinking Yank fan's guide

It saddens me to say this, but some of you are approaching the 2022 playoffs in a willy-nilly, helter-skelter, raggle-taggle, tittily-wittily manner.

This will not win a ring. 

On that note, clip and save this critical Thinking Fan's guide to supporting the Yankees this postseason. It begins with these first-round rules:

1. Whatever team is leading, root for the other side. 

We seek long, exhausting, bullpen-busting marathons, which start in the afternoon and last well past Stephen Colbert. We want closers throwing three and four  innings, and veteran outfielders standing for hours on the brick-soft artificial turf of Toronto and Tampa.   

2. If a pitcher looks overwhelming, root for the hitters. We don't want another Madison Bumgarner, another Cliff Lee, another Josh Beckett, another Catsup Curt Schilling. Fuck that. We want football scores - 17-14 - where everybody hits.  

3. Beware the hate-fueled malevolence of Tampa. I don't know what we ever did to them, but basically, they loathe us,  despise us, with the unshackled heat of a billion suns. Never underestimate the power of this purely distilled, felony grade hostility. The recent hurricane only made them hate us more. They sit at the bottom of their sinkholes, cradling their African pythons, and blame us because the AC isn't working. They will drink antifreeze if it helps them piss on us.  

4. Whoever plays cheater Houston, root for them. Unfortunately, it's still unclear what team has the best shot.  

5. Beanball war. Whenever a pitch goes high and tight, yell at the opposing manager through your TV-juju porthole, "Hey, are you gonna take that?" 

6. In case of a blowout, turn to football. Haven't you heard? Syracuse is undefeated, and the Bills and Giants are going to the Super Bowl!

15 comments:

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  2. A wise guide indeed. Particularly the one on Tampa.

    May I humbly add the following:

    1) Root For Jordan Montgomery To Pitch A No-Hitter

    Bader seems to be working out, so simple "well pitched games" by Montgomery will not ratchet up the spotlight on the stupidity of Brain's trade deadline deals. We need Jordan to be nothing short of historic.

    2) Root for Altuve

    To wake up the morning of the ALCS and find that he has been transformed into a giant cockroach.

    Ooops. Too late.

    3) Beware Of The Bunt!

    If we get to play Cleveland and it's the last inning of the deciding game and their old catcher, he of the bad knees, gets up to the plate and does the Babe Ruth Calling His Shot Thing... It's going to be a bunt!

    Last,

    4) Metsa Metsa

    Root for the Mets. Just not hard enough to watch them play.

    The goal here is to humiliate the Yankee front office. This is under the assumption that we are eliminated.

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  3. A New York-Toronto round would be kinda chilly.

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  4. I will hope for career ending (or season ending, depending on the vileness of the player involved) injuries. Multiple ones for certain teams.

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  5. Cold weather should help with that, Rufus.

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  6. I so wish that I could go to a game back in NY but I’m stuck out here in California doing the things that Californians do in times like these.

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  7. They will close the roof for games in Toronto...no chills...

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  8. Bowie Kuhn always said that playing games in 32 degree weather in the playoffs is in the "best interests of baseball"...

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  9. Nice analysis, Duque. And love it, Doug!

    And hey, I'm perfectly willing to watch the Mets, and if the Yanks can't do it—and they can't—I hope they win it all.

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  10. When Toronto closes the roof, it will still be cold outside. I'm expecting to see a lot of anoraks, tukes, and scarves in the crowd.

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  11. From the continuing adventures of the Six Billion Peso Manager/Cosmonaut BaBoone/Starship New York Yankees:

    (The Yankee starship's dugout has been infected with a virus that causes everyone to go bat shit crazy.)

    Lieutenant Spock to Captain BaBoone: "Captain, it's never been done before. It's just a theory. If Aaron Judge hits 3rd in the lineup, there is a one in 10,000 chance that we'll win the World Series.

    Captain BaBoone to Lt. Spock: And ... if we ... don't hit ... Judge ... 3rd?

    Lt. Spock to Captain Baboone: Then we're doomed.

    Captain BaBoone to Spock: "Spock ... we've got ... to take ... that ... one in ... 10,000 ... chance ...."

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