Ten Ways to Improve the Pinstripe Bowl.

 

Can it really be that here we are, on the eve of the Pinstripe Bowl, and NOBODY is talking about the premier American football game to be played in Yankee Stadium this year???

I mean, c'mon. The stakes are pretty high, what with Syracuse having a chance to become the first, three-time winner of the event. Can't you feel the thrill in the air as you walk the streets of the city? Looking at all the little knots of New Yorkers, distracted from their Christmas gift returns, huddling together over trash-can fires while the debate who's going to win the big game this year?

No? Hmm. Neither can I.

Maybe it's the whole distraction of the deadly, upstate storm, and the question of whether the Orange will even make it down for the game. Maybe it's the fact that Syracuse's leading players are apparently planning to "opt out" of the game—you can do that?—leaving Minnesota's Golden Gophers a prohibitive, 10.5-point favorite as of now.  

Last year's champions! Remember? No?

All right, so let's admit it: the Game That  George Started is in the serious doldrums right now, even if it is December. What can be done to improve that? Let's take a look at a few suggestions from serious Pinstripe fans:

1—Rename the Game. I love tradition as much as any man. But the "Pinstripe Bowl"? How about making it, "The Boogie-down Bronx Bowl"? Bobby Bonilla could be the annual grand marshal, starting every game by screaming at the fans, "You want me to show you the Bronx???"

2—Upstate-Downstate. Screw random match-ups like Minnesota or Maryland playing somebody. The game should match the football champion of upstate (always Syracuse, let's face it), against the city champion, who this year was...Anyway, it would settle football bragging rights in New York State once and for all!

3—Make the teams play in pinstripes. No, not the hallowed uniform of our favorite team—something even more fun! Did you know that, shortly after the New York Yankees first adopted their dark blue pinstripes, the team tried playing in multi-colored pinstripes? True story! Needless to say, this didn't go over so well, and the rainbow unis were donated to the Sing Sing prison team. 

But why not bring them back? Who wouldn't come out to see this jamboree of holiday color, and tribute to diversity? Sure, it might sow confusion over which team is which...but just go to horizontal stripes for the visitor! Problem solved!

4—Two-way football. Make both teams play both ways. Again: a tribute to diversity! And a throwback to the good old days of the game. Rename it "The Iron Horse Bowl" as a paean to the Yankees' legendary iron man, Lou Gehrig.

5—Two words: drop kicks. (Or is that just one?)

                                     Yes, it's a battle of letters.

6—Kings of New York. A Bronx pick-up teams chooses which borough it will play. (Staten Island does NOT count.)

7—"Tackle the fan." At halftime, two lucky fans selected at random will get to field a kick-off, as one team tries to tackle him. You'll laugh, you'll scream...well, mostly the fan will scream. If he or she somehow makes it to the end zone, they will immediately be given full ownership of Yankee Stadium.

8—"Shake out the rats!" At a certain point in the third quarter, all fans still in attendance will be encouraged to stamp and jump in place until the Stadium's countless rats are driven from their winter hibernation holes. The players will then compete to see how many they can stomp. A tribute to one of New York's greatest professional sports, rat-baiting, this will have old-timers beaming with nostalgia, in between throwing up.

9—International friendly. What encourages better relations between peoples, than international friendlies? This one will be between an American football team, and a team representing another version of the sport, from a foreign land. Australian rules football, Irish rules football, rugby, Afghani skull kicking—even soccer—everyone is welcome! The two teams will play by whatever rules the visitor chooses, though all must wear their traditional uniforms.

10—Beer fling! Fans will be encouraged to fling all purchased beers at each other, the players, or Brian Cashman. Beer purchased outside the Stadium will not be permitted into the fling, and the New York Yankees are not responsible for beer-related frostbite.