First plucky little Croatia (you are not legally allowed to describe Croatia in any way that does not start with "plucky little") knocked off soccer power Brazil, inventors of "the beautiful game," despite being dominated throughout the contest. Then, the plucky little Netherlands saw their stunning comeback short-circuited by Argentina...again on penalty kicks.
Penalty kicks as a way of deciding a major soccer tournament make about as much sense as deciding the NBA championship by free-throw shooting, or the World Series by hitting fungoes into the bleachers.
Actually, I'm not even sure if that's a good analogy. Theoretically, a player should never miss a penalty kick; if done right, it's just too hard for a goalkeeper to stop.
It's maybe more like deciding the NBA title with a lay-up contest, or the World Series by having a rundown competition (which actually could be kind of enjoyably whacky).
Plucky little, ex-Nazi ally Croatia has practically made a career of this, winning game after game, in World Cup after World Cup, through penalty kick by penalty kick.
So, there will be semi-final of the old Nazi allies against the old Nazi harborers, neither of whom really deserve to be there. So what? Isn't that soccer's problem?
Well, yes and no.
The penalty kick is exactly the sort of device that the lords of MLB would love to have for our favorite sport. So would the NFL, or the NBA, in the brave new, American sporting world of super-parity.
So the Phillies, sixth-best team in the NL—and only third-best in their division—make the World Series. So 40 percent of all the teams in baseball make the playoffs. So an entire season of winning baseball by the Mets and Braves counts for nothing. So we get baseball's own, idiotic tie breaker, with the Manfred Man.
So what?
This is what the Masters of Our Sporting Universe want. Sport NOT as a celebration of sustained excellence—but sport as entertainment akin to the lottery. A winner chosen almost arbitrarily, almost wholly at random.
"A crapshoot," as our mighty leader informs us. Call me crazy, but I'd rather see the best teams play to the bloody end.
PKs are bad. They should flip a coin. Sudden death. Team that loses goes a man down for five minutes. Then the other team goes down a man for five minutes. Change every five minutes. Until somebody scores.
ReplyDeletedo PKs at halftime. if tied at the end of the game the halftime results decide it all.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing ideas, both. I'd even be for bringing back the old NASL's 3-on-2 competitions instead of PKs.
ReplyDeleteIn the NHL, they skate until someone wins or dies.
ReplyDeleteThat's sports.
I'm for the old Roman way.
ReplyDeletePLAY til someone collapses or dies.
as one guy collapses, the crowd and the Emperor for the day ,denies if the collapsed player lives or dies.
Emperor of the day chosen like a raffle, unless we decide to just use that douche in the commercial with the Mannings.
As each team is depleted, a goal is sure to come.
I t would certainly stop all the "added time" from guys rolling around the turf holding their shins.
Speaking of guys rolling around holding their shins, does the drama coach for the winning team get a special award? Do the drama coaches of losing teams get blamed for the losses, like our conditioning staff?
ReplyDelete"Sport NOT as a celebration of sustained excellence—but sport as entertainment akin to the lottery. A winner chosen almost arbitrarily, almost wholly at random. "A crapshoot," as our mighty leader informs us."
ReplyDeleteIndeed, Hoss! And it could very well be that the internet and gambling are some of the key forces driving this arbitrary crapshoot. It keeps everyone in the game. Good for the internet, great for gambling profits.
Thanks. Hammer!
ReplyDelete