They need Mary Temple Grandin.
She's the beloved, autistic animal rights advocate who designs more humane slaughterhouses, reducing the anxieties of cattle who are destined to grace our lunch menus.
Last night, watching Sonny Gray - Sonny frickin Gray!? - breeze through our vaunted Herderers Row roused premonitions of a long, agonizing season ahead. We can keep repeating, "IT'S JUST APRIL!" but come next Monday, the chant turns into "MAYDAY!"
The Yankees look like the .500 mediocrity that occupied our second half of 2022. With Giancarlo Stanton tweaked until who knows when, the lineup offers four viable hitters, followed by the cast of Emily in Paris.
Consider this:
1. Opposing starters have gone at least seven innings in our last three games.
2. In nine of the last 11, we have scored three runs or less.
3. We are batting 20 points below the league average (.245.)
4. We do hit HRs, but two-thirds of them are solo shots.
5. Our bottom five is hitting .190, below above only Colorado and KC.
Watching the Yankees come up to bat is like attending visiting hours for a colonoscopy. At the least, Mary Temple Grandin would replace morbid Michael Kay with happy calliope music. She would protect us from painful scoreboards, batting averages and replays of our DP grounders. We would not have to hear about Harrison Bader's upcoming return, painted in brush strokes of hope that could rival the sermons in a church of snake handlers. (Really now, who knows what Bader will do? We've only seen about three weeks of him. Career-wise, he's just an IKF who takes better routes in CF. )
Of course, it's pointless to get so frustrated in April. The juju gods are bastards, but really, now... Joey Gallo? Sonny Gray? Are we that horrible a fan base, that we should be punished, subjected to taunts on our way to another loss? Are we really supposed to get excited about the return of Jackie Donaldson? Are we really going to wait another month on Aaron Hicks?
I call upon the Powers That Be for a more ethical, more humane, treatment of Yankee fans. Remember all those hopes they sold us in spring training? Look closely, and you must wonder: Where will the runs come from? Damn. We might be looking at a season-long wipeout. Can somebody, anybody, find my blinders?
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ReplyDeleteThe. Worst. 287 Million Dollar Team. Ever.
ReplyDeleteIt's never too early to be disillusioned. Disillusion early and disillusion often.
ReplyDeleteFuck Hal.
But is anyone *REALLY* surprised?
ReplyDeleteBlogateers here have been sounding the call for many years. The rest of the world has finally woken up to what we have already known - Cashman is a moron, a horrible baseball mind, and a controlling little frog. Hal does not care and lets him do whatever he wants, REWARDS him, even.
NOTHING CHANGES.
La plus qui change...
The Yankees official logo should have a groundhog underneath the interlocking "NY" that was designed by Louis Comfort Tiffany
BUT.....
We have transcended and are filled with love. We play the game to spread the love, not to win. Winning is vulgar. We want to spread the love.
Buster Olney should be coming out with the annual column about how injuries have killed the Yankees.
ReplyDeleteBut because of Ca$hman's guile, they've been able to win without the "modern day Gehrig" G Stanton, Jackie D, Scott Efron, Frankie Valli, Lou Trevino & Luis "Iron Man" Severino. But even the Ca$h can't overcome these odds.
I think Cashman has been too busy handling his own snake much too often which might be why his trades have been so God-awful.
ReplyDeleteEven the 1962 Mets hit .240!
It fills me with such joy when Bitty posts directly after me. I love the way our avatars align. You complete me Bitty.
ReplyDeleteHey, how about that Little Tony? He's looking like a keeper! Love his energy and maturity!
Fuck Hal.
Paging Brian Sabean . . . .
ReplyDeletePaging Omar Minaya . . . .
Pinstriped Courtesy Telephone.
Please.
( where’s Sam Kinison when you need him )
AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *
* imagine with me for a moment Sam doing play by play in the Yes booth. Screaming down and laughing at Michael Kay. Blasting out a home run call. It could have been magical.
Cone: Batting 8th, playing Left Field, Aaron Hicks.
ReplyDeleteSam: No. NO! Noooooooooooooooo!MAKE IT STOP! NOOOOOOOOO!
The Yanks pitching staff is in disarray because of injuries. What kind of physical do they give these pitchers when they get acquired? If they have a pulse, they pass the exam? Absolutely no due diligence in the process whatsoever...
ReplyDeleteranger, Cashman and the Yankees' training staff operate according to the venerable "Think" method of wellness, pioneered by a certain Prof. H. Hill of Iowa, over a century ago. They "think" players will be well enough to play, or that they have the best pitching staff in baseball.
ReplyDeleteWorks every time.
Yanks now down to just 7.2 hits a game, as opposed to 8.9 strikeouts. By way of contrast, in 1998, the first year Cashie came in, they averaged 10.0 hits and just 6.25 strikeouts a game.
ReplyDeleteAnd that was playing with no apparent juicers, against what was already heavily juiced competition.
Hmm...
Meanwhile down on the farm
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1h8QSg80EEs
Bornto -
ReplyDeleteWhen the bullpens came running in to join the scrum it looked like one of those battle video games. Red army vs. blue army.
I think the guy who threw the first punch was a coach.
I didn't watch the game yesterday and I'm glad I didn't.
ReplyDeleteYes, this is the same bunch who sucked during the second half last year. The poor rookies must seriously feel like "What the fuck?" I mean, they had to play in the minors and work their tails off to be "promoted" to this team? At least they get a nicer post-game buffet.
What are they going to learn from being on the big club? How to strike out more often? How to leave men on base? How to get mowed down by the fucking Twinkies?
Gray? Gallo? Thriving in Nowheresville, where the media spotlight is akin to a match burning in the bowels of Howe Caverns. When nobody cares and nobody criticizes, you can play loose and actually perform. It's like New York was a porn set where they were intimidated by the lights and crew, but now that they can just screw Susie Mae in the pickup out on Bumfuck Road, they're just amazing.
P.S. ESPN had an article about the deluge of injuries so far this season. At least it's not just us. Not that that makes it any better.
Koyaanisqatsi. The whole sport is out of balance. So are all sports, and the whole culture. It's weird.
ReplyDeleteDuque:
ReplyDeleteIt was time in the off season, when the YANKEES did N O T H I N G!!! to fix all of the holes. The three farts, Cheapskate Hal, Genius Cashman and Fat Slob Randy, believe they could con us. We will make the playoffs and anything can happen. Not with the Yankees woeful lineup. I don't want to hear injuries. Stanton is always injured and hit .211 last season and Bader is a lifetime .245 hitter. Yes he stepped up in the playoffs. That does not fix the present lineup. I believe Volpe will be good. Is Cabrera another Yankees so so propect. Is Peraza, nothing special. The Genius once again brought in stiffs: Franchy, Calhoun, to show us how bright he is. On WFAN Sport's Radio, I heard from a caller that Cashman is one of the best GM's of all time and another, he has been bad lately. The Genius has been bad for a long time. Kei Igawa, Carl Pavano, and more. This is the story of an incompetent boob now being paid 25 million for four years. I have been trashing The Genius for years. He listens to Mike Fishman and The Analytics nerds and now the Yankees are one game out of last place in the loss column. Individuals asked me "Who would you want to replace Cashman?" I was not aware of Brian Sabean. He runs rings around The Genius. No World Series with The Genius and possibly no playoffs this season.
The Athletic sports writers, because they are not strictly a local newspaper, tend to be more objective about the team and will critique the Yankees more honestly and willingly. Chris Kirchner had a good article about the anemic Yankees hitter. Here's an excerpt:
ReplyDelete"Desperate for any kind of offense, Aaron Hicks squared around to bunt with two outs and no one on base in the third inning. Hicks’ bunt landed in front of the plate for an easy out to end the inning. That play is poetic for what the Yankees offense has been for well over a week now — too many easy at-bats for opposing pitchers.
Part of the Yankees’ problem is poor depth and poor roster construction. On any day, at least two of Hicks, Willie Calhoun, Franchy Cordero and Isiah Kiner-Falefa are in the lineup. Statistically, Cordero has been the best one, in part because of his hot start, but he’s 1 for his last 21 with nine strikeouts, including three in Monday’s 6-1 loss to the Twins. The Yankees hoped they had found a gem in free agency with Cordero, who’s a left-handed power hitter with otherworldly exit velocity numbers. Internally, some were even jokingly calling him “Matt Carpenter,” but he has reverted to the player he has been throughout his career, which is a below-average hitter with high strikeout rates and poor defense. The latter showed itself in the ninth inning when Carlos Correa hit a ball down the right-field line that Cordero could not grab. Statcast measured Cordero’s catch probability at 95 percent.
But manager Aaron Boone is forced to play players like Cordero daily because there aren’t many better options. Hicks started in center field Monday after not playing in the past six days. He finished 0-for-4, including striking out with two runners on in the ninth. Hicks has a minus-10 wRC+ this season. In other words, he’s been 110 percent worse than the average MLB hitter. Kiner-Falefa pinch hit for Cordero in the ninth with two runners on and no outs; he has a 23 wRC+. Willie Calhoun has a 12 wRC+. All of the Yankees’ bench options, including Kyle Higashioka, are at least 50 percent worse than the average major-league hitter."
Anemic Yankees hitters*
ReplyDeleteToday, more than ever, we Volpe and Judge, back to back, and belly to belly. The Day-O shit we can skip.
ReplyDeleteFrankly (Franchly?) I’ve barely paid attention to the Yankees the past week. The Knicks have been way more compelling (not to mention competitive). Besides, who wants to watch the ghosts of Cashman’s follies join forces with this year’s models to destroy yet another season?
ReplyDelete@Doug K. It was the Clearwater Mgr. and 2 Tarpon Coaches who were the main combatants . (No coaches were harmed in the making of this video.)
ReplyDeleteSaw an amazing quote from Judge: “we’ve got to CONTINUE having good at bats, team at bats…” Continue??? The current approach and its resultant avalanche of strikeouts / weak contact is precisely what the problem is. We have THREE hitting coaches; what the fuck are they doing besides chanting “hit strikes hard”?
Minny has a very good young pitcher going tonight in Joe Ryan, who averages more than a strikeout per inning. Another chilly night on tap there, perhaps in more ways than one.
ReplyDeleteHe could have moved Torres last season in a Pablo Lopez deal, let Peraza/DJL finish out the year at 2B. He could have signed Trea Turner or, clutches pearls, Carlos Correa for just money over the winter. He could have traded Jackie Asshole for a pack of Winstons or just released him outright and we'd now have an infield with Volpe, Peraza, and Turner/Correa. He could have signed Benentendi, who he traded three young pitchers for, to try to stop the bleeding in the outfield where we now have the pleasure of watching a below-average utility infielder playing center, our true utility guy playing full-time in left, Hicks doing Hicks things, whatever they are, and a guy who's never played a full season and who he traded a reliable middle-of-the-order left-hander for who's, and I'm really surprised here, on the IL...again.
Instead the bald little biscuit sat on his fat little toad hands, signed a perpetually injured pitcher who's, holy hell!, injured and we have this...this...I don't even know what this is and the ship be sinkin', and of course it's all about the .211-hitting Stanton and all the injuries and the crap shoot and the sun was in my eyes and whatever other excuses the organization comes up with on a daily basis.
This might just turn out to be the most painful season yet my friends.
Mildred, to do anything you mentioned, Cashman would require some baseball intelligence aside from stat crunching. And he doesn't have it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sorry state of affairs.
Had Cashman traded for Pablo Lopez he would have morphed into Pablo Cruise. Cashman has the juju gods eternally pissed at him. He needs to go.
ReplyDelete"Koyaanisqatsi. The whole sport is out of balance. So are all sports, and the whole culture. It's weird".
ReplyDeleteHorace, five stars for using "Koyaanisqatsi" in a baseball blog!
Thanks, Kevin. But I'm pretty sure I used it for a post headline last year or so. I know, I know: my '80s are showing!
ReplyDelete@ Mildred Lopez, Looks like we'll have to abandon ship early this year. Yeah, "the ship be sinkin'" is right!
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