The Yankees have a dead zone in their lineup, full of hitters auditioning for other teams. Can they win despite it?

So, you're primed and ready: The beer is cold, the extra-butter popcorn microwaved, the bean chair frumped and the channel-changer holstered like a loaded Luger. Game time. You're set for the next three hours. 

The first four Yank batters bring high anticipation. Then comes... The Void. The Darkness. The Radio Silence of four straight-to-home-video hitters, commanding you to get up and make a sandwich. (And this doesn't even include the Kay/Cone half-inning interview with the Jonas Brothers. Somewhere, Vanilla Ice is licking his chops.) 

Last night, the Yankees unveiled their first 2023 lineup against a lefty starter, and they resembled that poor optometrist who went up against Gwyneth. They sent out a four-batter Dead Zone of Jackie Donaldson, Old Man Hicks, IKF and The Higster. It wasn't so much that we lost - hey, Philly was gonna win one, sooner or later - but how supremely witless our lineup looked after the front four. Entering the ninth, we had two hits.  

If you rest Anthony Rizzo for a night, suddenly, there's a steep cliff after every two innings. And that's still assigning big hopes to Anthony Volpe, who might still just be a fairy tale character, one of the magic beans from our farm system. 

Look: We can't go Chicken Little after every loss. This team could botch 62 and still win the AL East. But there is blockage in this colon, and soon - the electric python will need to remove the two polyps - Donaldson & Hicks. (Guess who had a colonoscopy yesterday!) It's time to ponder a post Hicks/Donaldson reality, which means the two aging grumps are now auditioning for the chance to start over in some smaller market, which doesn't include the wrath of Alphonso.  

Soon, perhaps by May Day, Harrison Bader will return. Assuming no injuries, that means either Hicks or Kiner-Falefa will likely disappear. Considering that Aaron Boone last night chose The Hyphen - a career infielder - to play CF shows that Hick is now viewed as a fulltime LF. Last night, he gallantly chased down a gapper after IKF dove and missed, so let's not question his hustle. But Hicks isn't hitting - he's 0-for-2023 - and fulltime LFers need to do just that. When Bader returns, not even Hicks' contract can save him. Unless he starts hitting, the boos will only worsen. This guy will need a mercy trade. And the Yankees will need a better bat.

Then there is Donaldson, who made the final out last night to a smattering of boos. We have one clear advantage over last year: We know Donaldson can suck. Last April, we wondered if he could play 130 games or handle 3B. He proved himself on both counts. But he never hit. 

Also, Donaldson never seemed to recover from the "Jackie" incident, when he catcalled Tim Anderson with a racially suggestive nickname, and then swore that he wasn't being racist. I cannot see into his heart, but - man, that was stupid beyond belief. His offense fell apart, and I cannot see the Yankees sticking with him through June, if he remains an offensive nothing-burger. The YES team praises his defense - rightfully so, I suppose - but IKF, DJ and Oswaldo can all play 3B, and down in Scranton, Oswald Peraza might start do a few games there, as well. 

If the Yankees keep winning, there is always the "Aint broke so don't fix it" policy, which might still save Hicks and Donaldson from a change of address. But right now, they are gateways into The Dead Zone. And after all that fussing to get comfy, it's too damn early to get up and make another sandwich.