Breaking News! Official Unofficial IIHIIFII...c Audit Results—Expectations

 

Following up on the “Findings” and “Recommendations” sections of their completely unauthorized, unwanted, and unprofessional audit of the New York Yankees, the IIHIIFII…c consulting team released their “Expectations” of how the Yankees will respond to their analysis, and what that will mean for their future.

Asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Yankees told the media that the team’s front office was unavailable for comment, as it was out of town at the winter meetings, but added that if it were at home, it would tell the IIHIIFII…c team, to get bent.

The good news for Yankees fans in the report is that, in light of the Mets’ hiring David Stearns as general manager, any SeisMetsic Shift in fan allegiance will likely be delayed for a few more years.

Otherwise, the conclusions are grim. 

Expectations

Realistically, we do not expect the New York Yankees to take any of our recommendations, with one, possible exception: the Yankees will likely find themselves so depleted in the outfield by next spring, that they may be forced to consider finally giving Estevan Florial a genuine chance to play centerfield. Though more likely, they will simply continue to play pick-up outfielders from the margins of organized baseball.

We also expect that:

—The Yankees will continue to rapidly age their way out of any chance of serious contention, and plunge to the worst, sustained depths of their long and storied franchise.

—The Yankees will refuse to give up on starting players such as Giancarlo Stanton and D.J. LeMahieu, and attempt to “restart” and “get them going again.” But at, respectively, 34 and 35 years of age, neither player is likely to recover much of their old abilities or to avoid extended stays on the disabled list.

—The Yankees will also give first baseman Anthony Rizzo every opportunity to regain his old form. Rizzo’s decline has been less steep than that of Stanton’s or LeMahieu’s in recent years, but as he is also 34, it is unlikely that he can avoid injury or make a dramatic comeback.

—Normally, we would expect young players in the walk year of a contract, such as Gleyber Torres, to put up stellar numbers. But considering his general obliviousness, Torres may well fall short of such expectations.

—The Yankees will likely try to fill their gaping hole at third base with one or both of their young infielders, Oswald Peraza and Oswaldo Cabrera. But judging from their experiences last year, and the Yankees’ difficulties in cultivating young players, we expect both players to continue their swift decline.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take our recommendations to acquire outfielders Juan Soto or Cody Bellinger.

—We do not expect the Yankees to try to acquire Shohei Ohtani, or any of the other, leading outfield and DH prospects.

—We expect that the Yankees, counting on the return of Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez at some point in the future, will sign only marginal, transitional outfielders, such as Kevin Kiermaier or, at most, Lourdes Gurriel, Jr.. 

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—We expect the Yankees’ starting rotation in 2024 to consist of Gerrit Cole, Carlos Rodon, Michael King, Nestor Cortes, Jhony Brito, and Clarke Schmidt. We expect this rotation to once again be riddled with injuries, and largely ineffectual.

—We expect that moving Michael King to the starting rotation will leave another major hole in the Yankees’ bullpen, and that none of the mounting relief problems will be addressed this season. 

—We do not expect the Yankees to make any major expenditures, for any reason.

—We do not expect the Yankees to fire more than a few, token personnel throughout their organization.

—We do not expect the Yankees to make more than a few, token hires of personnel in the front office, or for the coaching and training staffs.

—We do not expect either manager Aaron Boone or general manager Brian Cashman to be dismissed, or even criticized in any way.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take any measures to enhance the fan experience at Yankee Stadium.

—We do not expect any changes in making Yankees’ broadcasts easier to find.

—We do expect the Yankees to raise prices across the board, as they have already raised them for tickets.

—We do expect the Yankees to sell more and more advertising on the team’s once revered pinstripes, as well as on the playing field, and possibly on team caps.

—We do expect the Yankees to participate in the farcical, “City Connect” gear grub.

—We do expect the Yankees to continue to cooperate fully with the rest of the MLB cartel, no matter how counterproductive its requirements are to the health of the sport in general or the Yankees in particular.

—We do expect the overall popularity of baseball to continue to decline, in light of how it is presently played and promoted.

—We do not expect the Steinbrenner family to ever sell the team and, considering the family’s long history of running even inherited, heavily subsidized businesses into bankruptcy, we do expect the Yankees to run up unprecedented losses on the playing field and at the box office for at least the next decade.

—We do expect, in the light of these losses, that the Yankees will soon hire a large, furry mascot.