Friday, November 10, 2023

Punchless

In the last couple of weeks the IIHIIF...c brain trust has done an outstanding job of identifying the issues with both the team and the front office. Hoss’ three-parter should be taught in Sports School as a primer on how to destroy an iconic franchise. Today, El Duque showed us that every potential solution opens up new avenues to misery as the Yankees have painted themselves into a corner worthy of Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges. 

To make matters worse (long term for the sport) Aaron Judge is starting to be included in “baseball decisions” as MLB continues down the path of turning itself into the NBA.  Shot/pitch clocks? Check. Pointless season where almost everyone makes the playoffs? Check. Stupid uniform days that exist solely to sell merch? Check. Star players being consulted on what to do next? See above.

To be fair, there is one thing I do like about Aaron Judge’s new role as LeBron James… I think it’s driving Brian Cashman insane. I wrote earlier that he is Queeging or, if he isn’t, he’s one missing bag of balls away. 

He used to think he was the smartest guy in the room, mostly because he was the only guy in the room. Now he’s not.

All of the above said, there is one more crisis that the Yankee fans are facing that has not been addressed. They are punchless. No, not their offense. Well yes, that too but I’m talking about punchlines. With the exception of Stanton, all the villains are gone. There’s really no one left to go after.

Gary Sanchez? He of the joke:

Q: What’s the safest place to stand at Gary Sanchez’s birthday party?

A: Inside the pinata.

Gone.

Joey Gallo? Gone. El Chapo? Evaporated.

Even quirky players we kind of liked like Harrison Bader with his Arthur Murray dance moves in the outfield and questionable mouth guard antics… he's spitting the bit somewhere else.

Yeah, having two Oswaldos was worth a JFK reference but does anybody reading this dislike them?

DJ and Rizzo are past their prime but had solid careers. It’s not their fault that they are aging into the downside. 

Besides, that describes pretty much everyone here.

Donaldson? Done. Gleyber? Can anyone top Suzyn Waldman’s comment that she thinks that sometimes Gleyber thinks he’s invisible? I know I can’t.

Seriously, the Yankees are pretty much a likeable team. They are just bad.

I don’t want to make fun of journeymen or AAAA guys playing above their level, getting in their cup of coffee as they have fleeting moments of competence as they earn health care for life. 

Or pitchers who, after being traded for, get injured so quickly that we can barely remember their names, much less develop the deep seeded animosity and disappointment that serves as the fertile ground for humor.

Knock. Knock

Who’s there?

Lou Trivino

Lou Trivino who?

Exactly.

The team is down to two players worthy of ridicule, Stanton and Rodon. Stanton seems like a good enough guy. It’s not his fault that he has become absurdly slow on the base paths.

How slow is he?

Giancarlo Stanton is so slow that … I’m not going to dignify it with a joke. Because it’s sad.

And then there’s Rodon.  

Look, when we got him, he was the second best pitcher available. I’m pretty sure most of us were on board even if we did give up A LOT of pitching depth. So far, he’s been a huge bust.

How huge a bust is he? Yeah, go ahead, do the easy one. We all know who she is.

But the truth is he is another one who was hurt, and I can’t get fired up until June of next year because he still might end up being good. Bad haircut though.

Oh well, I guess we’ll always have Boone and Cashman. That’s not a joke. We will always have Boone and Cashman.

16 comments:

  1. DOUG.

    SANCHEZ PIÑATA JOKE.

    PRICELESS.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cole. Admirable at best, never likeable. When it's gets rocky, he's an easy target.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Take my DH...please.

    I love the way Rodon cuts his hair. He's certainly not paying anybody to do it.

    Stanton is awake early and hears the garbage truck outside. He rushes out with a bagfull and says, "Am I too late for the garbage?," and the a garbage man says, "No, hop in."

    But I wanna tell ya, ladies and gentlemen, that Brian Cashman is somethin' else. Just what, we haven't figured out yet.

    How many executives does it take to make Hal write more big checks? Three, one to hand him his pen and the other two to take his thumb out of his ass.

    Did you hear that Judge is getting into movies? He's gonna star in a remake of "Voyage of the Damned."

    Speaking of disaster movies, wait'll you see what our roster is on Opening Day. I think we sign Shelly Winters.

    It's not that the Yankees can't hit. Look at Domingo German.

    I'll be here all week, people. Try the veal!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great piece, Doug! And all too true.

    Yeah, Rodon makes a nice target, between his yapping back at the fans, his ineffectiveness on the mound, and his unwillingness to get into even basic shape (besides pear shape, I mean. Thank you, thank you! Remember your waitresses. They'll remember you.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. JM -

    "Stanton is awake early and hears the garbage truck outside. He rushes out with a bagfull"

    ... but by the time he reaches the curb the truck is three blocks away. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Coach says, "Stanton, if you keep swinging at the low and outside pitch, you're gonna run into trouble." And Stanton says, "Coach, I can't run into anything but a double play!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. JM

    Stanton has his annual meeting with his accountant and learns that he lost 20 million dollars because Stanton told him to buy NFTs of Joey Gallo at bats.

    The accountant asks him why he did it and Stanton replies he was told he would quadruple his money in a few short weeks.

    The accountant says, "NFTs are a scam. How could you go for a pitch that bad?" and Stanton says, "I had to. It was low and away."

    ReplyDelete
  8. Stanton is slower than a turtle with a broken leg.

    DJLM ain’t much faster

    ReplyDelete
  9. Stanton wrote a Knock Knock joke:

    Knock Knock
































    ReplyDelete
  10. I wonder if we'll sign Trevor Bauer. He's 32, so he's old enough for Cashman. He pitched great in Japan this year. And he's been accused of sexual assault/domestic violence by more than one woman.

    If he can develop a cocaine habit, he'll be a perfect fit.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cole really hates Bauer going back to their college day. Like really hates him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, there's one more reason we shouldn't sign him. So that might make it more likely that our morons do.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I once witnessed Doug K telling the Sanchez/pinata joke in a bar.

    Took the whole place down.

    ReplyDelete

  14. Both the original post and the comments are hilarious. I'm still laughing at:

         Knock. Knock.

         Who’s there?

         Lou Trivino

         Lou Trivino who?

         Exactly.



    Thanks and kudos to all.

    ReplyDelete

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