The Beetnik... The Beet Box... the Beeter-Offer... The "I Can't Believe It's Not Beeter" Batter-Beater...
Yep. Right now, according to the Internet, he's our No. 5 starter. Clayton Howard Beeter...
He's 25, flipped a 4.96 ERA last year at Scranton, three W's and five L's over 15 outings and 71 IP. That's about five innings per start. At Triple A.
People - with all due respect to a young pitcher who might yet have a fine career - this is what fourth place in the AL East looks like.
I know, I know... it's only January, and there are six weeks of caterwauling and dickering, of rumor-mongering and pants-pissing, before the first hangover of spring training is in the breathalyzer. It's too soon to start drinking hope from Tankathon.com, and pondering 2029, the year after the newly-thin Giancarlo's contract ends.
But but BUT... it's starting to look as though the Yankees have shot themselves multiple times in the foot though a bleating of deals that boosted their batting order at the expense of pitching, pitching, pitching...
Lately, across the Yankiverse, the Gammonites are whispering...
1. Jordan Montgomery isn't returning. To begin with, he's still pissed about the trade. Secondly, he bonded with Texas and its tax structure. Thirdly, his wife will practice medicine in Boston. (WTF, he's too good for supermodels?) Finally, even if the Death Barge offers a zillion dollars, Uncle Stevie of the Mets will offer a zillion and two. Not. Gonna. Happen.
2. Blake Snell isn't coming. His agent wants too much. The agent's name is Scott Boras. Once upon a time, hearing "Scott Boras" was a positive, because it scared off the ninny teams. Not anymore. Today, Hal Steinbrenner hears the name and registers in his head, "The Babadook!" Since the moment that Snell, the reigning NL Cy Young winner, declared free agency, the Yankees have poo-pooed him. Not. Gonna. Happen.
3. Shota Imanaga - the Yamamota runner-up, the one who's not Kei Igawa - isn't coming. Why? God knows, but it has absolutely nothing to do with money. Do you hear me, people? The Yankees speeet on money! There is NO price for victory they won't happily pay. Nope. The problem is - um - fly outs. He throws too many fly outs. Doesn't fit the AI algorithm. So... Not. Gonna. Happen.
4. Dylan Cease, Shane Bieber, the cast of Glee, et al... all the trade acquisitions... they're not coming. Their current teams have watched their market values explode like gold after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, ever since the lords of MLB bestowed $325 million on a guy who has yet to toss an MLB strike. Suddenly, that old Yankee parlor game - the "Matt Nokes, Tom Shopay and Jim Lyttle" trade package proposals - doesn't work. The Yankees have traded off their seed corn, and the Milwaukees of MLB are playing their own game. It's called, "Let's Stick It to Our Former Torturers."
It doesn't matter that Hal Steinbrenner has been "Mr. Brightside" for the last 15 years, allowing a de facto salary cap structure that turned the Yankees into the Kansas City Royals of New York. Rural America might forever love Mickey Mantle, but it will always hate Gotham, and it will always take delight in watching the Yankee tradition go up in flares.
Whatever trades the Yankees will attempt to find pitching - this from a front office that hasn't won a trade in two years - it's going to sting. No easy deals. Not. Gonna. Happen.
So, right now, we have four corner outfielders - (assuming The Martian heals in time for the Presidential election) - and maybe a high pick in the 2025 draft... which means, well, Tankathon.com! Start spreading the news. We might keep our top pick! See you there!
Thank our Lucky Charms that we won’t be fielding a line up that contains both a Bader und a Beeter.
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine the word salads (I know many of you can!)
Standing by a pitching machinah
When I caught a glimpse of Beetah
Rubbing up his balls with that pastey brown dirt
In a Yankees cap he looked much older
Boone and Blake looking over his shoulder
Made him look a little like a tomato can
Actually, the #5 starter (as it stands now) is Will Warren.
ReplyDeleteAs we sit here and ponder Aaron Rodger's latest tinfoil hat utterance, at least we can all agree that waiting for free agency to play out and stretching our hands out for whatever low cost crumbs may fall our way when all is said and done is probably not the winning strategy.
Hey, we got Soto! Whoo! Wowee zowee!
ReplyDeleteMan, look out, AL East. We've got you now!
Whoopee!!
Flying under the radar with all the new Japanese and Korean signings, the Yankees would like to welcome their new VP of Marketing and Ticket Sales and celebrate the new seat and concession price increases. Please welcome Mr. Dick Gozinya!
ReplyDeleteSame old shit!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow, so sorry to hear that, Doug. Hope you are already recovering.
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed yesterday's Asian name fun fest but I was busy having my prostate nuked by a laser beam. (Insert Goldfinger reference here).
ReplyDeleteI'm recouping fairly well aside from the catheter, which I hate on so many levels - from my fear of walking off gas station style with it still attached to the bed frame to the overall feeling one gets watching a mixture of blood and piss run down one's leg.
That said, it does remind me of the old joke:
The doctor told me, "I need a blood sample a urine sample and a stool sample and I said, "Take my underwear."
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Bader and Beeter
The Yankees could have has the self abuse troika if they only had the foresight to sign this guy:
Onan Masaoka
An American baseball pitcher who played for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1999 and 2000.
Then again, if you sign too many players with masturbation themed names your GM goes blind.
I think I need a non-Met NL team to root for. Thurman Munson was my hero growing up, I was the fat kid that played catcher and he was my guy. So, I never not be a Yankees fan, but I think I need to mix it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteHoss - Thanks. At least I'm back in CA with my family. I can't imagine having to do this alone. My kids and ex have been great.
ReplyDeleteAA, somewhere John and Paul are smiling. Or hell, Paul is a Yankees fan, he's probably nodding grimly.
ReplyDeleteDuque, LOVE the Franz Ferdinand reference! And hey: what about that "super-charged bullpen"?
This Yankees' off-season is already an amazing shitshow. An incredible con—done blatantly, just like last year, and the year before that and the year before that. All while telling us, to our faces, that they weren't doing it.
The question is, though: how much money can the Yankees still make while tanking. I bet they can still make a lot. When does it become "not enough" for Hal? 10 years? 15?
acrilly -
ReplyDeleteMunson was always my favorite too. Still, is. Followed by Mattingly and Matsui. Guys you can count on who's AGHAB is 9.7. This current team doesn't really have one. Not even Judge.
As to an NL team. It depends on your criteria. Here are mine...
What the Yankees were... LA but watching West Coast games on the East Coast is for vampires.
Well run teams... Gotta be Atlanta but I don't see how anyone can do that.
Can't do ANY team from Philly! Ever.
Tradition gets you the Cubs and the Cards. Either one. I like the city of Chicago more than St Louis and Illinois more than Missouri in general so probably one of those.
I don't know any of the other NL teams. (Actually I do. They just don't matter)
Maybe SF but that's the West Coast issue again.
Good luck.
100% on the no Philly team EVER!
DeleteYankees sign Cody Poteet to compete for spot on pitching staff
ReplyDeleteThe Yankees have agreed with righty Cody Poteet on a major league contract, The Post has learned.
The deal was pending a passed physical.
Poteet pitched for the Marlins in 2021-22, working to a 4.45 ERA in 19 games, including nine starts.
He underwent Tommy John surgery in August 2022, signed a minor league deal with the Royals and only pitched in one minor league game in late September in 2023.
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Quoting a YMO lyric: "Here we go again"
acrilly, Doug: can't root for LA or SF, they left our city to die. Fuck 'em.
ReplyDeleteI gotta root for the Metsies, hard as that is. Incredible, unbelievable, take-over-the-town Mets success is the only thing that has even the slightest chance of making the Shipwreck Steinbrenners pay attention to our team again.
Earlier today, the Yankees claimed OF Bubba Thompson off waivers from the Cincinnati Reds
ReplyDeleteThe only trouble with this analogy is that "painting oneself into a corner," usually refers to an accidentally foolish or shortsighted act.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, Yankees management under the firm guidance of The Brain, walked into the room, carefully measured out which corner they could all fit in, filled that area with all the bourbon and snacks they could eat, calculated exactly how much paint they would need, then started layin' it down.