Stow your baggage! That's you, Doug K. Down that hoagie, Hoss, else it goes in the Putin. Chug your Bud Lites, ladies, and stand away from the unbolted Boeing door. Flight attendants, check the overheads, flush the loos and assume the pregnant stork position:
This Yankee '24 train, or plane, or motor scooter - whatever - it's leaving the station...
After one week of Gammonitic scrutiny - 1 percent of the precincts reporting - we have BREAKING NEWS from the IT IS HIGH SITUATION ROOM/KOSHER DELI:
WE ARE PROJECTING THE YANKEES WILL WIN THE 2024 AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST.
Okay, maybe we're jumping the juniper. It's early. But but BUT... one week into Camp Hellbent, I challenge anybody, anywhere, to gimme one stinkin' reason why we should not be ejaculating great glowing gophers of hope.
By this time last year, as you may recall, the Yankee Posturepedic had been permanently shat. We know the culprits: Rodon, Nestor, Sevy - a Bataan March of tweaked tushes and strained breadbaskets. That was then. This is - well - not then. We're taking our O-o-o, Ozempic!, plus the little pill with the big stow-ree to tell. We're bundling our home and car insurance. This is Week One, and everything is Liberty-Biberty!
I'm serious. Last year, after one measly week in Tampa, we'd already lost Nestor Cortes and Frankie Montas, and Carlos Rodon was just warming up for his season-long disillusionment.
Right now, no Amber Alerts. Everybody is healthy - (sorry, Scott Effross, you weren't here long enough to be "missing.") Let's enjoy this, while we can.
Both the Mets and Orioles - two rivals we must vanquish in 2024 - have already lost aces. (Kodai Senga has a "tired arm;" Kyle Bradish a strained UCL.) Boston looks baked. The Jays and Rays slept all winter. And fuck Jose Altuve, he's a year older with nothing to show for it. Meanwhile, we are pillars of nutrition and hygiene.
Yeah, Aaron Judge says his bum toe must be "maintained." Nobody knows how Slim Gio Stanton will hit without that bowling ball he was lugging. The future of Anthony Rizzo remains as foggy as his head was last July.
Fukkit. I. Don't. Care.
Strap in, everybody. We're going for a ride. This train don't pull no doubters, this train...
It... is... BALLOOOOON!?!!!
ReplyDeleteStanton, Rizzo, DJ...all getting kind of long in the toothiness. Judge isn't terribly far behind, but enough for now. And Gleyber wants to be a lifelong Yankee!! Whoo hoo. Pop the champagne, we might have brain fart fielding plays and baserunning idiocy for another decade!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to it. It's good to be a fan.
Forgot to mention in my comment on Doug's post yesterday...those songs he mentioned made me think of all the Mitch Miller LPs I have thanks to my dad. They're the only place you can still hear a lot of those tunes that everyone used to know. But the production! Just sounds like shit.
ReplyDeleteAnd YES, Kevin with the first F-Troop reference of the year! Right?
ReplyDeleteI love your fighting spirit, Duque! "When the odds are sayin' you'll never win/ That's when that grin should start..."
And I did love Gleyber offering that discount. I, too, will take a discount to play with the Yankees for the next ten years! And I am also Spartacus!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of that little pill with the big story to tell...those ads are everywhere. And nuts.
ReplyDeleteMitch Miller, Bowie and The Sparks.
ReplyDeleteA well rounded mental discography, JM.
(Oh - looks like it’s time to trade Gleyber and order up another pair of custom orthotics for Judge. And tell ‘em this pair is on me!)
Like a turd in the punch bowl, I make an unwelcome appearance at this time of unwavering optimism and unfettered gaiety to utter the two words why we can’t will the coveted title of Miss AL East:
ReplyDeleteAaron Boone.
Throw in early Roxy Music and Miles Davis and you're really cooking, AA.
ReplyDeleteDid they buy more bubble wrap this year?
ReplyDeleteJM - Do you know the song :
ReplyDeleteIn every dream home a heart ache?
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ReplyDelete1) Slim Stanton
ReplyDeleteI really like "Slim Stanton" as his nickname.
It evokes so many things... from a Country and Western singer who is actually a bank busting card sharp who takes all your money and blows town... to a Country and Western singer who is actually a bank busting card sharp who takes all your money and stays for another four years.
2) "It... is... BALLOOOOON!?!!!"
Kevin LOL
3) JM "those songs he mentioned made me think of all the Mitch Miller LPs I have thanks to my dad. They're the only place you can still hear a lot of those tunes that everyone used to know."
Well now it's the only place. I used to do 8-10 shows a day. Coming soon to a urinal near you!
4) The Yankees Win the Pennant! The Yankees Win the Pennant!
Sure why not. I'll just stow my baggage over here near the door jusssst in case but... Yes everything broke right for the Orioles, the Jays are a hot mess, Tampa does seem like they are finally out of cloned robots and, you might have heard this before but... BOSTON SUCKS!
If the pitching holds up then we're good. So, OK I will sniff the Elmer's Glue of Hope even as I look you in the eye while placing "Apple AirTags on my Bags"
By the way "Apple Tags on My Bags" was a big hit for Slim Stanton. Quite possibly his only big hit of the year.
First off, it’s clear that El Duque has been kidnapped. I will start the kickstarter for the ransom. We need to get him back. We are nothing without him.
ReplyDeleteSecond, as long as we are dropping musical references, I would like to leave you with one quote Time, my idol Sun Ra and his Arkestra, who might as well have been talking about the 2024 Yankee season when they chanted, “it’s after the end of the world, don’t you know that yet?“