Now and then - (like, every day?) - let's remind ourselves of that choice, overbaked statement of wanton truth, ripped from the machine gun mouth of Bill Murray in the 1979 Canadian comedy "Meatballs," which remains, to this day, the gold standard for delirious movie locker room speeches.
(BTW, I rank the all-time greatest movie locker room speeches as follows: 10 - Rudy. 9 - We Are Marshall. 8 - Bad News Bears. 7- Bang the Drum Slowly. 6 - Brian's Song. 5 - Friday Night Lights (The Movie.) 4 - Any Given Sunday. 3 - Knute Rockne, All-American. 2 - Hoosiers. 1 - Meatballs.)
Remember, to quote camp counselor Tripper Harrison via Murray, a known Cubs fan...
It. Just. Doesn't. Matter.
It just doesn't matter that Carlos Rodon yesterday gave up three runs, including two HRs, against Tampa.
It just doesn't matter that his first pitch to home plate, to the first batter of the game, landed 396 feet deep into the centerfield stands.
It just doesn't matter that Rodon's horrifying ERA of 6.35 is actually better than the 6.85 that he produced last season.
It just doesn't matter that the Mets are licking their chops over Juan Soto as next winter's free agent prize, and if the Yankees fail this summer, Soto might be delighted to leave their troubled franchise and move across town.
It just doesn't matter that Blake Snell and Jordan Montgomery are circling overhead, with one-year contracts being discussed, if the Yankees were to adopt the Dodgers' creative methods of accounting.
Listen: These games just don't matter. As long as Rodon didn't walk off the mound, clutching his elbow, yesterday was a mere glitch in The Matrix. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.
It may not matter, but personally, I'm really happy to see Rodon in great shape and ready to pitch with a new, positive attitude.
ReplyDeleteLying through my fucking teeth.
Fuck. All to predictably: Fuck.
ReplyDeleteI'm tempted to suggest Blutarsky's rousing speech ("Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?") be added to that list. It's not exactly a locker room speech, but...
ReplyDeleteAnd until he proves otherwise, Rodon shall henceforth be referred to as "The Second Coming of the Fat Toad."
ReplyDelete100% agree with DickAllen, Blutarsky's speech does count as a locker room speech and probably cracks that list around number 4 or 5.
ReplyDeleteI think it was Ca$hman shitting his pants
ReplyDeleteThat's "Fat Pus-sy Toad," buster!
ReplyDeleteOther "rousers"...
ReplyDeletePaul Newman in The Color of Money
Paul Newman in Slap Shot
Ted Lasso in Ted Lasso
Gabe Kaplan in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.
and.. Groucho Marx in Horsefeathers.
Professor Wagstaff: Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girls basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand? Even if we have to use our star player, number 37. You remember her, don't ya? The quarterback gets the ball, goes around left end and make a lateral pass to the right guards.
Frank: Hey, Dad...
Professor Wagstaff: Wait a minute! Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half witted goofs...
Frank: Hey, Dad...
Professor Wagstaff: What do you want?
Frank: Well, you're talking to the wrong team.
Professor Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!
I'm somehow reminded of that uhm . . . rousing opening locker room shower scene speech from De Palma's Carrie.
ReplyDeleteAlso I am reminded of a scene from X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes where there preacher tells Ray Milland's troubled character:
"If thine eye offends thee... pluck it out! PLUCK IT OUT!"
Words of wisdom, Lloyd. Words. Of. Wisdom.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, HORSEFEATHERS!
ReplyDeleteEven though I should be partial to the Horsefeathers, I'd have to say Senator Blutarsky's is better. "Psychotic, but absolutely right."
ReplyDeleteFor my money, the best locker room speech ever in a sports movie was by Strother Martin in "Slapshot". Real short and sweet. And man, did it ever work!
ReplyDelete"There are scouts here ... scouts ... from the N H L. They came to see the Charlestown Chiefs. The toughest team in the Federal League. Not this bunch of ... pansies."
In one version I saw on tv, he said "pansies" but I believe he says "pussies" in the theatre version. Pansies ... pussies ... pansies ... pussies .... Both very a pro po. Can't decide which word I like better in there! Pansies ... pussies ... pansies ... pussies ....
@ DickAllen & Hoss: Fat Pus-sy Toad II
ReplyDeleteDid we not see this coming? Here comes that 13.75 E.R.A. I tell ya, folks. GET RID OF THAT THAR PITCHING COACH!!!!
All kidding aside, Rodon is not going to be the second coming of the Fat Pus-sy Toad. Because Irabu earned that name by not covering 1st base on a dribbler to the 1st baseman. With Rodon, he doesn't give up any dribblers. They're all blasted out of a 155mm howitzer. King of the launch angle, exit velo, and moonshot. Struggling batters must be licking their chops to hit off Rodon. Get ready to see a whole lotta 15-7 losses. Gonna be a long, long, long season!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteIf Rodon has an ERA of only 6 or 7 this year, and the Yankees have an offense that's as good as the press clippings....
...the guy will go 21-6.
I think Groucho wins. And good point, Hammer. I see a more Charlie Brown type of fate for Rodon. They should have a spare uniform for him in the dugout, when he get's blasted so hard by a line drive his shoes, socks, hat, and more fall off.
ReplyDeleteEspecially with these new uniforms, Hoss.
ReplyDeleteDick Allen. I am humbled in your presence.
ReplyDelete"And until he proves otherwise, Rodon shall henceforth be referred to as "The Second Coming of the Fat Toad."" [TSCOTFT]
To be clear, I only meant that I expect Rodon is going to perform in much the same way - worse actually - that Hideki Irabu performed on the field over his career. I don't want Rodon to end up dead at a young age by suicide.
ReplyDeleteRodon last year eclipsed the dismal play of Irabu. Rodon rolled an entire career of shittiness into a single season last year. Most of us forget that Irabu had a productive year for the 1998 NY Yankees. 28 starts, 13-9, 4.06 ERA and 2.6 bWAR. Irabu's season fell short of OUR expectations for him, and his performance was overshadowed by the truly legendary quality of that pitching staff, but he probably was the best number 5 starter in MLB that year.
Anyone that played for the 1998 Yankees, and especially if they played well, should live to be 100-years-old bathed in a halo of glory. I think we all would seeing Irabu trying to cover first at an Old Timers Day game.
Rodon has done nothing, but be hurt and suck. Suck at breath-taking levels. Suckage like summer Friday evening traffic at the tunnel trying to get out to the Hamptons. Suckage like what has become of Boeing. Suckage to the level of and epitomizing the current NY Yankees ownership and management.
Shall I say it, Winny?
ReplyDeleteUNWAVERING SUCK-A-TOOD