The first Post-John Era homestand looms, and other observations

In the current buzz movie, Civil War, a scary Jesse Plemons confronts a bunch of journalists, driving across a bloodstained America, with a haunting question: 

What kind of American are you?

Obviously, he's rooting out Yank fans - uppity penthouse commies who want hospitals, schools and gastropubs; with their stench of Big Apple superiority and their Ozempic skintags. In fact, this is wrong. Nobody has ever needed a quick way to identify these NYC Holly Golightlys, because the world provided an easy litmus test. His name was John Sterling.

To sluice out Yank fans, all you needed was turn on John and Suzyn. Within seconds, the haters would turn into George C. Scott in the 1979 movie "Hardcore," screaming "TURN IT OFFFFF!" But to us, it was music. 

Well, folks, it's almost here - the day you never expected to see. 

John is going away, and he won't be coming back.  

Admit it: You figured the asteroid would hit, or the Grand Canyon would erupt - (choose your Doomsday) - before John called it quits. But here it is. Tomorrow - (game time 1:05 p.m.) -  the world says goodbye, and I might need a bath towel to watch. 

I'm finding it hard to listen to Yank games on the radio, even if they're still electrified by the Jeep brand. Nothing against Justin Shackil and Emmanuel Berbari. It's not what they are. It's what they are not. Meanwhile, Suzyn seems lost and abandoned. Everything is out of whack. Home runs without special calls. Wins without win-warbles. The juju gods must be watching C-Span. If life is just a simulation, The Matrix has been breached.  

So, we'll carry on, right? At some point, something memorable will happen, and we will bond with the new broadcast team, right? (This season has yet to bring an enduring moment, aside from John's announcement.) Meanwhile, we wait to hear from Suzyn. She's 77. How far will she go? We might find out tomorrow.  

Other tidbits.

1.  In April, the Yankiverse got a kick out of 5'6" Caleb Durbin, the Jose Altuve of Scranton. Lately, he's cooled off, his batting average dipping below .300. But Durbin and an outfielder named Brandon Lockridge continue to run wild at Triple A. They lead the IL in stolen bases. At some point, the Death Barge might need a fulltime base-stealer, a la Dave Roberts in 2004. (Ouch.) Could that be Durbin's path to NYC? 

2. Tonight, Clarke Schmidt faces the hateful Rays. (Why do so many teams hate us? Do they hate the Royals, the Pirates, the Brewers?) Schmidt has started three games, each time pitching into the 5th. He's given up 3 runs, then 2 runs, then 1 - shaving a run each time. In lieu of Gerrit Cole, he might just be our ace. (I'm jinxing him, but fukkit.)

3. I've been reading Hoss' book on NY baseball. Damn, it's a great piece of writing and research. Guy doesn't waste a paragraph. If you haven't grabbed it yet, you are missing out. For baseball fans, this book should be considered Cultural Jury Duty. 

4. You can always tell an off-day by the bullshit used to gather clicks. 

In this case, it's a pile of speculative news stories that suggest, come November, the Mets will sign Juan Soto and the Yankees will react by chasing Pete Alonzo. 

Dear God, save us from such crapola. It's like the NFL mock drafts in March, or political polls in January. People who traffic in it, Jesse Plemons should shoot them. What kind of Yankee fans are they?