Wednesday, July 10, 2024

The Adventure of the Confounding First Inning.

 

"Come, Watson, the game's afoot!" cried Sherlock Holmes, bounding up from his ottoman at the six-foot hookah he and Watson were sharing.

"Um, what's that now?" asked Watson, a little slower to break away from the marvelous hash and mescaline mix Holmes had concocted that morning.

"There's no time for dawdling! We must away to Tampa, to solve the deadly mystery lurking there!" Holmes replied, dragging the good doctor across the carpet by his boots.

"You are aware that Tampa is in Florida, aren't you Holmes? And that this is July?"

"All the more reason we must hurry, before the pennant has completely slipped through our fingers! We must warn the Yankees!"

"Warn them...of what?"

Holmes whipped a sheet of paper out of his trusty portfolio, and waved it before his friend's still dilated eyes.

"Do you see this, Watson? It's a key clue, one I heard on our YES subscription last night. At first I thought I might be hallucinating, due to those mushrooms we were conducting scientific experiments on last night. But this morning, I went on baseballreference to verify it—and it's true!"

"What is?"

"Why, it's all in the first inning!"

"Huh?"

"It's elementary, my dear Watson! Consider: the Yankees are a major-league worst 6-17 over their last 23 games."

"Yes?"

"During that time, the Yankees also led the major leagues by giving up 22 runs in the first inning of play! Now do you see?"


"By God, Holmes!" 

Watson's eyes bulged wide at last, and he bounded up from the floor—only to have his bad knee give out, and crash into the settee and knock over the tea service.

"Why, that must be the answer!" he continued, untangling himself from the Earl Grey. "Obviously, Yankees pitchers are tipping their offerings to the other teams!"

"Or—starting each game so predictably that other ball clubs know exactly what they are going to throw!"

"But-but, that's impossible!" Watson sputtered. "Why, the Yankees are run by trained professionals, with many years in the sport. Surely, they would have reached the same conclusion weeks ago!"

Holmes nodded grimly.

"That makes this case all the more insidious, Watson. No manager, no coaching stuff could remain this oblivious to what is going on. Obviously, they are all under the influence of some kind of awful mesmerism, or perhaps a mind-altering drug! All the more reason we must get there at once!"

"Yes, that must be why Cashman is in Tampa already," Watson agree, peeling a lemon slice off his moustache. "We must get there before he and Hal fall under its pernicious influence! Shall I book our flight?"

"No need, Watson! Let us just climb aboard this giant flying rabbit right here!"

"Of course, why didn't I think of that?"

"Hi-ho Silver, away!"












37 comments:

  1. I'm also confounded by our complete abandonment of the running game.

    We're at 21 consecutive games without a stolen base for the 2024 Yankees.

    This is the franchise's longest streak without a stolen base since June 1963. Bobby Richardson was the only player on that team with more than 5 SB at the end of the year. He hit .260/.278/.309 that June with 0 SB.

    I guess Volpe is this year's Bobby Richardson.

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  2. I guess Cashman heard you and fixed something...

    NEWS: The #Yankees have signed left-handed reliever Tim Mayza to a minor-league contract, per Brendan Kuty of The Athletic.

    Mayza, 32, was designated for assignment by the #BlueJays two weeks ago and then released after posting an 8.03 ERA in 24.2 innings.

    However, he is not far removed from being dominant. In 2023, he had a 1.52 ERA in 53.1 innings.

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  3. Thankfully, the games are too late in my current time zone. But as a precaution, I will take a page from Holmes & Watson and drown myself in the local Albanian moonshine to ensure I pass out before I even entertain the notion of staying up late to watch these dregs get beaten to a pulp.

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  4. Great read, Hoss. Thanks for the mid-afternoon pick-me-up.

    But I wonder - in your narrative, who is Professor Moriarty?

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  5. Thanks, AA. And Prof. Moriarty? That's a tough one...wasn't he a criminal mastermind? Maybe if there could be a criminal doofus...

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  7. Good read. Sir Brian Conan Doyle has nothing on you.

    I look forward to the sequel, "The Strange Case of the Vanishing Offence"

    That said, I thought Holmes was their closer.

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  8. Grisham should have been on third but he didn't run when he hit the ball. He could have scored on that fly ball. It's little crap like this that adds up to losses.

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  9. I look forward to "the wonderful case of the disappearance of Ca$hole"

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  10. Volpe was having a pretty decent season until a few weeks ago.

    Then our boy genius (I mean the other one: Booooooone) decides to drop him from the top of the order where he's been replaced by at least two other contenders. If any of them should not immediately become the second coming of Ty Cobb, they will ultimately be dropped as well. The merry-go-round of who's batting first.

    This is an (alleged) manager making lineup cards out of his ass. No consistency, no intelligence and no ability to stick with a guy when he's going through a rough patch. Only Judge and Soto get a free pass on that one. I can almost guarantee Volpe will be back at the top of the order once he gets out of Boooooone's doghouse.

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  11. Has anyone here ever noticed that many umpires in mlb really suck ?

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  12. I notice even through the Hookah haze

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  13. Yankees actually have a lead…still…

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  14. Holmeslice is going to completely blow it. We all know it.

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  15. Calling in Holmes for a four out save / What could possibly go wrong

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  16. There is no way they win this game.

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  17. Has not had a save since JUNE 9th. That was a month ago.

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  18. He tried his hardest to blow it there--but failed.

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  19. So basically he gave up the game winning hit but Grisham saved, him.

    But that's true to form. He was going to get out of the 8th. He blows it in the 9th.

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  20. Grissshhhhhh

    Ain’t no . . . . uh . . . . Fishhhhhhh

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  21. Our long national nightmare is over. For one night, anyway.

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  22. Woo hoo! Holmeslice was almost nice!

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  23. Trent is humble and well spoken.

    (But a couple of inches shorter than his interviewer)

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  24. Horace, that was beautifully written! And by the Oracle of Delphi it seems that The Brain must have read your story! Well done, old boy!

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  25. Grisham joined the "admiring my homer oh wait it's not a homer" club.

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  26. Yes indeed he did. But that was a nice catch

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  27. Yankees management reminds me of some weekend golfers I used to know.

    They only played on weekends at their local country club, wore all the right clothes, looked like good golfers and talked a good game but rarely put in the work to attain mediocrity.

    Then they would get out on the course and become indignant when their drives found woods, sand and water, as if they should be playing on the fairway all day. After all, they had expensive clubs and outfits and…

    The truth is they weren’t any good really and they just thought they should be better, especially when they played one good hole and then lapsed back into mediocrity. Really, they think they should be better, but in reality they refuse to recognize their complete lack of skill to go the distance, year after year after year.

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  28. I love the flying rabbit, Hoss. There are a lot of Holmes stories written by fans, many of them well written and very Doyley. Maybe you should write one. With the drugs and the flying rabbit and whatever else your brain comes up with.

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