"He’s gotten off to a good start, and that’s going to maybe give him the false sense that he’s the center of some amount of attention,” former exec David Samson told a radio show. “But wait ’til he goes 1-for-13 in New York. In Miami, it gets ignored with one camera. In New York, you’re on the back page of The Post. So be careful what you wish for.”
Damn straight. But but BUT... wanna know what I wished for?
This.
Yep, I wished for somebody from the Marlins to trash Jazz, to call him names, to question his manhood, to claim he's overrated, and furthermore to say he never flushed the toilet, and was accused of stealing urinal cakes for no apparent reason and for wearing women's shoes.
Most of all, I hoped Miami would accuse Jazz of loafing, of not giving two shits, of being a clubhouse show poodle - because nothing seems to uncork potential in former top prospects than to be traded and trashed. In the manner of fraternity pledges everywhere, I say, "Oww! Thank you, sir, may I have another?"
Seriously, Miami, don't hold back. Say what you mean. Did Jazz not mourn tough losses? Was he full of himself? Did he mope? Did he ever jog out a grounder? Dammot, he must pay!
The Marlins should come clean about Jazz. Because at 26, the guy has a new life, a new beginning, and whatever happened in Florida - well - I blame DeSantis. All that potential that Miami was denied, it's ours for the taking. Chisholm now has got a sweet little HR porch in right, on a contending team that's thirsty for a spark, and with three big dudes - Soto, Judge and Giancarlo - who will squish him like a bug if he starts bat-flipping like Jose Bautista.
Look, Chisholm is a showboat. As an old school geezer, I cannot like anybody's long, masturbatory preening at home plate on a homer. But that's modern baseball. Jazz didn't invent navel gazing. What will bring things to a head is if his antics get him thrown out at second, Josh Donaldson-style, on balls that hit the wall.
With Miami ripping him, that's less likely.
“I know you’re excited about him because he was on the front of [MLB The Show 23 video game],” Samson went on, deliciously. “That was all [Derek] Jeter doing that. All the talk of Jeter being his idol, it was all ridiculousness. Jazz needed to be traded off this team, and the fact that he was given to the Yankees, whatever happens with the Yankees is fine. He’s not the star; he’s not the center of attention.”
Keep it up, Mr. Samson. Because, ya know what? You're right! It ain't fair. This Jazz guy, he needs to be taken down a peg. He needs to know how lucky he is to have a second chance - with the New York fucking Yankees. Have at it, sir.
“We did a lot of research on him and we’re excited to have him,” Cashman said on a conference call. “He’s obviously very athletic and he plays the game with joy. Ultimately after our deep dive, we felt like he’d fit in really well and would be a really perfect piece to allow our manager Aaron Boone to deploy him.”
ReplyDelete“Hello, Aaron? Would you please deploy more. You know…deploy it all. Deploy everything because. . . it’s all in front of us.”
The real reason cashman traded for him ways his low salary. Still, we needed a spark, and on this team even an average hitter is an upgrade.
ReplyDeleteWhy isn’t he batting leadoff? And turn him loose on the basepaths.
Don’t be surprised tosee Headcase Torres go into a swoon.
Inevitably, something will happen, but no worries - boone will paper over it with his usual cloud of bullshit.
Meanwhile, let’s enjoy the ride.
Biden just agreed to an exchange with Russia to free Paul Whelan and the Wall Street Journal reporter. No word on who is going to Russia but I'm hopeful one of the people is Gleyber Torres.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean by "stealing urinal cakes?" I always thought they were free samples. My backpack is filled with them, in various stages of decomposition.
ReplyDeleteCan we send Stanton to Moscow along with Gleyber in exchange for some used jockstraps and sawdust?
Amen, Duque! How is it possible for things to be so somnolent in southern Florida? Mostly because people like David Samson have done such a lousy job down there.
ReplyDeleteMiami is everything that is wrong with modern pro sports, and especially baseball. They are essentially a gigantic con game, repeatedly using any spark of success to con the local population into giving them things like a new stadium.
The Marlins took two, flukish early championships, 1997 and 2003—thanks to baseball's new playoff system and another of Joe Torre's postseason mini-strokes—and parlayed that into an endless grift. In 32 seasons, and despite those rings, the Marlins have had all of 8 winning seasons, and never so much as finished first.
In 2017, they had not only Giancarlo Cantrun, but also Christian Yelich and J.T. Realmuto on the team. Rather than seeing that the team was sold off to a new owner with deep pockets, MLB allowed longtime con artist Jeff Lori to sell off to Bruce Sherman, an even better con man, who suckered Derek Jeter into "rebuilding."
More like a gut rehab with no rehab. By the 2022 season, Jeets was gone, and the team was back to sucking. Chisholm—or anybody—is well out of there.
https://portlandloo.com/the-fascinating-history-of-the-urinal-cake/
ReplyDeleteBecause~as a child~urinal cakes were our first exposure to apparent invulnerability.
No matter how hard we tried - there was no way to pee away those pesky little pucks.
And then, we were drained. Emptied. Done. Ready to move on to another adventure.
But, some of us knew we’d be back. Back to try again.
Maybe if we drank something different, we’d stand a better chance of victory.
Some of us even washed up afterwards.
Most of us didn’t.
All of us, forever changed.
Just wait 'til Jazz Chisholm makes five errors in one game at 3B, (only two of which will be recorded as errors by the official scorer). But for now, we're ridin' high, so who cares?
ReplyDeleteDJ LeMahieu just proved that there is life after death. Wow, who saw that comin'? Now, we'll just see how long that second life lasts. They're never going to release him after that game. Might even re-sign him to a ten year mega-contract.
Just to throw some cold water on everyone's heads, Phillys best hitters were all slumping. Austin Hays was their series MVP. Most of our hitters were thumping. Judge and Soto had a great series. Judge had a great series, despite laying an egg in the last game. Jazz Chisholm had the jism run wild.
ReplyDeleteYet, we still barely won the last two games. Could be said that we got lucky, extremely fortunate to win those last two. You could also say it's better to be lucky than good.
Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg
The way that you squeeze me babe, I'm gonna fall right out of bed
Wonder what they’ll do in Miami when it turns into Venice in 10 years
ReplyDeleteHammer, the Phils' batters may have been slumping, but did other teams complain about beating us when most of our lineup was slumping? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteAnd given how many runs they scored, that's a hell of a slump. We'd be in first by five games if our guys were slumping like that the past month.
Regarding urinal cakes: back in the 70’s in Rochester there was a great club called Red Creek that featured blues and rock bands. Anyway, the bathroom wall above the urinal had some great graffiti including this gem: “Please do not eat the urinal cakes”.
ReplyDeleteStill makes me laugh fifty years later.