Karl out, Cal in; Yogi, Lady ARod in Sight

WASHINGTON -- Conservatives across the nation are reeling today over President Bush's refusal to pardon Red State icon Roger Clemens from an unjust MLB suspension.

At a tearful home plate ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, Karl Rove announced his retirement from the game, so he can spend more time with his fighting dogs. Rove, who will join the faculty of the Lee Atwater Institute for Repentance, pitched the GOP to the World Series in 2000 and 2004, but failed to win a game over the last three years. Scouts say he simply lost his ability to hit lefties.

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He will be replaced by famed baseball Iron Man Cal Ripken, who told reporters he expects to show up at 7:55 a.m. every day for the next 18 months and, with a twinkle in his eye, ask if there is anything anybody wants him to do, and then do it.

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Other changes are expected:

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Michael "Superdome" Chertoff: To firm up public confidence, the White House will replace the Department of Homeland Security director with ex-Red Sox star Bill Buckner.

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Tony Snow: Replacing him will be Rumsfeldian Yankee great and Yoo-Hoo Choco-Drink pitchman Yogi Berra, who will astound reporters with lines such as, "Nobody wants a war, that's why we need one!"

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Laura Bush: The President will seek to tap Cynthia Rodriguez, wife of MVP-slugger ARod, who willl rally the citizenry with daily T-shirt slogans such as, "F--k off, Keith Olbermann," and "Go Home, Terrorist Retards!"