GEORGE STEINBRENNER’S “FAREWELL JOE” SPEECH, VIA RUMSFELD

It’s been three days since The Collapse. Everyone's wondering when Joe drinks the Polonium 210. But hey, he's already outlasted Don Rumsfeld, who got chucked 18 hours after the 2006 elections.

So if George S. needs inspiration for his speech, all he needs to do is tweak a few lines from George W’s “Farewell Don” proclamation…

“(Our new manager) follows in the footsteps of one of America's most skilled and capable (baseball) leaders, (Joe Torre)…

“In (2007), on my orders, he led the planning and execution of another historic (baseball) campaign, Operation (Enrich Roger Clemens) that… helped the (Yankee) people establish (a Wild Card pennant flag) in the heart of the (American League) East.

“(Joe) has served in times of great consequence for our nation. Few will forget the image of (Joe Torre) as he helped (Rudy Giuliani) carry the victims from the rubble of the Pentagon on September the 11th, 2001.

“History will record that on (Joe Torre's) watch, the men and women of our military overthrew two terrorist regimes, (won four World Championships), brought justice to the terrorist (Gary Sheffield)... and helped stop new (tabloid) attacks on (A-Rod.)

"(Joe) once famously said, (“It’s huge. You win the first game of the Series, you want to win the Series.”)” Well, Mr. (Manager), (YOU have been huge.)... You will be missed, and I wish you and (your wife, I can’t recall names anymore) all the best in the years to come.

"(Joe Torre) is a tough act to follow. That's why I picked a man of (Don Mattingly’s? Tony LaRussa’s? Gene Mauch's?) caliber to succeed him. When confirmed by (Derek), (this next poor suffering slob) will bring talent, energy and innovation to the ($240 million lineup).

"He'll work every day to keep (his job) safe and to make (my declining mental state) more secure. And he'll do a superb job as America's next (soon-to-be-fired manager of the Yankees.)