The Black Robe Nine Drop Hints

Nearly 20 years after the drunken captain of the Valdez ran the ship aground, the case known as Exxon Shipping Co. v. Baker (07-219) has finally reached the Supreme Court. The oil spill was a massive ecological disaster that destroyed businesses, property, and lives, but if Exxon is made to pay victims the entire $5 billion ordered by lower courts -- in addition to the $3.4 billion already paid -- it would add up to nearly one month's profits.

Not in this country.

Not if the highest court in the land has anything to say about it.

In a rare and awesome instance of imparting wisdom outside a case opinion, this week the Supreme Court dropped a few sly tips to corporations looking to dodge damages.

SUPREME COURT'S HELPFUL HINTS FOR CORPORATE WEASELS:

1. Hire a drunk. Fire him if he goofs. Repeat as necessary.
"What more can the corporation do other than say 'Here is our policies' and try to implement them?"
-- Chief Justice Roberts

2. Demote/promote everyone in charge to "Captain."
"I doubt whether a captain is high enough [to be held responsible]."
-- Justice Scalia

3. Stock your office with black cats, ladders and open umbrellas; put one of your drunken Captains in charge of safety, and if anything ever goes wrong, remember...
"There are accidents every day."
-- Justice Breyer

NOTE: Justice Alito offered no tips at all; he recused himself because he owns stock in Exxon. Or perhaps this is the biggest hint of all -- even as he saw this case wend its way up to The Nine, he did not sell his stock in Exxon.