Friday, February 29, 2008

The Black Robe Nine Drop Hints

Nearly 20 years after the drunken captain of the Valdez ran the ship aground, the case known as Exxon Shipping Co. v. Baker (07-219) has finally reached the Supreme Court. The oil spill was a massive ecological disaster that destroyed businesses, property, and lives, but if Exxon is made to pay victims the entire $5 billion ordered by lower courts -- in addition to the $3.4 billion already paid -- it would add up to nearly one month's profits.

Not in this country.

Not if the highest court in the land has anything to say about it.

In a rare and awesome instance of imparting wisdom outside a case opinion, this week the Supreme Court dropped a few sly tips to corporations looking to dodge damages.

SUPREME COURT'S HELPFUL HINTS FOR CORPORATE WEASELS:

1. Hire a drunk. Fire him if he goofs. Repeat as necessary.
"What more can the corporation do other than say 'Here is our policies' and try to implement them?"
-- Chief Justice Roberts

2. Demote/promote everyone in charge to "Captain."
"I doubt whether a captain is high enough [to be held responsible]."
-- Justice Scalia

3. Stock your office with black cats, ladders and open umbrellas; put one of your drunken Captains in charge of safety, and if anything ever goes wrong, remember...
"There are accidents every day."
-- Justice Breyer

NOTE: Justice Alito offered no tips at all; he recused himself because he owns stock in Exxon. Or perhaps this is the biggest hint of all -- even as he saw this case wend its way up to The Nine, he did not sell his stock in Exxon.

2 comments:

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    "The company that owned their souls had chosen not to pay...

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