The credible-as-Kreskin New York Post says you whiffed on B-list, semi-blonde Denise Richards-wannabe Sienna Miller.
Dude, what the hell? Sienna Miller? You should be bagging Sienna College!
It’s not like you made a paw-run at Angelina or Helen Mirren. What line did you use? “Hey there, honey. Ever blow a save?” Dude, c’mon… you’re representing the Yankees here!
Stick with us, and you’ll be tagging divas, Bond Girls, Fox News anchorettes, maybe even lesbians! We’ve designed a special IT IS HIGH DEREK JETER PICK-UP STRATEGY... just for you.
1. Mention Joe Torre. We’ve found that nothing gets a girl hotter than the artfully stated image of Joe Torre sitting in the dugout, swilling bottled water, while the Yankee universe collapses around him. Don’t know why, but it works. Every. Single. Time.
2. Ditch the ballcap. Sure, it hypnotizes the home game usherettes, but so does an order of French fries. Wear something casual. Remember, cletes are not the male equivalent of high heels.
3. Do impressions. Every waitress in America wants to sleep with Jim Carrey. Can you do Giambi? (Balloon the cheeks, try to bend over and say, Owwww my sciatica!”) How about Mussina? (Think Leonard Nimoy and say, “I find that fascinating.”)
4. Get a phallic nickname. Girls love 'em. You think The Big Unit ever slept alone? Rocket? Iron Horse? King Kong Kingman? All named after their dingdongs. Stump Merrill. Big Pappi. Charlie Hustle. The Mad Hungarian. The Ryan Express. Boomer. The Penguin. The Big Hurt. Stan the Man. Every one of them, named after The Love Root. Remember Gene Michael? They called him THE STICK. Whatthefuk was that about? The guy never hit for crap, and they called him THE STICK? He knew what he was doing.
5. Lie. There will come a moment when she realizes you are a ballplayer. She'll ask your name. Here’s what you say: “Jacoby Ellsbury.”
But lay off the B-listers, kid. Hell, you used to call the wind Mariah.
I think he broke wind, too.
ReplyDelete