Yankeetorial: Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens... John McCain?

John, Senator, dude...

First, what’s with the lobby chick? She looks like Ali McBeal after taking control of The Cosmic Cube. (Hm-mm, that could be titillating.) Ask David Wells about the lobby chicks. And, really, do you dare cross Darth Smiley?

Frankly, what was it about the 90’s? Bill Clinton. Newt Gingrich. That Livingston stud. Rudy G. Wild Billy Bennett. Was Pfizer secretly test-marketing Viagra? (“Psst. Henry, try this. You’ll go from Senator Hyde to Mister Hyde.”)

But that’s not our business. Our business is winning World Championships. And as Yankee fans, we write with the all-knowing wisdom of having won 26 World Championships, more than even the United States of America.


And if there’s one thing we know well, it’s when a pitcher is past his prime.

A few names here: Kevin Brown. Randy Johnson. Mike Mussina. David Wells. Roger Clemens. Dwight Gooden. You get the picture.

You want a 4-year contract at age 71.

We gave Mariano, at 38, only three years.

The Great Mariano Rivera... Only. Three. Years.

Realistically, how many innings do you have? Fifty? A hundred? Face it, Boomer, the last time you threw 200 innings was 1995, when you were slinking through lobbies with the Cosmic Cube lady.

How can we justify giving you a 4-year deal?

Don’t take this wrong. Obama could blow out his elbow, be the next Sam Millitello. And Hillary’s got Ed Whitson written all over her.

But four years? Forget it. We know what’ll happen:


You’ll go five innings and turn it over to the bullpen.


Who'll be there? Condi Rice? Bobby Gates? Yeessh. Listen: Condi is Kyle Farnsworth, and Gates is Brian Bruney. Forget it. And for God's sake, don't run with Huckabee, unless you want every evangelical minister leading Sunday service with a prayer for you to die.


Finally, what’s with the jaw? Do you know your head is oozing to the left, like some funhouse mirror? When they call you left-leaning, is that it?