Sting Ray! Heroic Gutsy Spearing at Home Seals Miracle Rays Win!

"I have seen the future of rock'n'roll, and it name is Bruce Springsteen."
Jon Landau, 1971

"Fuck that. I am seeing the future of rock'n'roll, and its name is Tampa Bay Rays."
el Duque, 2008


What a game! What a victory! What a magnificent way to start the 2008 season! Anybody who thinks for a minute that the Tampa Bay Rays aren't for real should have seen the speen-flattening brutality of Elliot Johnson's blindside blast of some former Yankee prospect, which sends shivers up the spine of every WWF ringside baglady, in a scene reminiscent of the last five minutes of the original Rocky, when our hero, spewing blood in the way that Meatloaf sweats, yells to the Penguin, "CUT ME, MICKEY, CUT ME!" and then climbs back into the ring for his Oscar-winning -- yes, for Best Picture -- racially charged smackdown of Ali, played by Carl Weathers.

Let me paint the scene. Try to paint the scene. MY HANDS ARE SHAKING, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT -- (ok, calm down Duque, get a grip)...

Tampa has the lead and it's the eighth, but they really need this run, because otherwise the Yanks could score a bunch and maybe tie it in the ninth, and this is it, the BATTLE FOR TAMPA! And Elliot's on base -- ooooooooh, what a fugginay plunky Ray he is; (Future Yank? HE'S THE SCRAP IRON GARNER OF THE EXHIBITION SEASON!) and he rounds third, and here comes the throw, it's gonna be close and, KA-BOOM, he sticks his shoulder into Francisco Cervelli, pounds him into mush, breaks his hand, HAH, THAT'S ONE FUTURE PROSPECT THAT WILL NEVER PUSH JOHNSON OFF ANOTHER 40-MAN ROSTER. And Tampa wins. Tampa wins. Tampa wins!

Hero. That's all I can say. HEEEEEEEEE-ROWWWWWWWW. I'm outa breath. I gotta go put my head in a bucket of icewater. The Rays Rule! They are the Sylvester Stallone of exhibition baseball! CUT ME MICKEY, CUT ME!