Yankeetorial: The News Is This: Noboby Knows Nuthin'

In today's news, we're not only chasing CC Sabathia, we're after everyone:

Jayson Stark: "... increasing buzz about the Yankees' interest in Ben Sheets..."

Anthony McCarron: "... Mark Teixeira, Manny Ramirez, Derek Lowe and Oliver Perez - all of whom interest the Yankees..."

George King; "... press hard to sign second baseman Orlando Hudson..."

Tyler Kepner: "... linked most prominently to Lowe..."

Rush Limbaugh: "... Condoleezza Rice for six years..."

Howard Stern: "... rimjobs from a switch-hitting firstbaseman..."

Katie Courick: "... Caroline Kennedy to close..."

Rick Springfield: "... Jesse's girl! Why can't they sign a woman like that!..."

Enough.

Friends, this is the kind of disinformation campaign that got us into Iraq. This is the kind of bullshit avalanche that in 1964 coaxed superstars Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman to marry, only to divorce 32 days later!

This. Must. Stop.

We can't sign everybody. We ought to, but we can't.

Let's sit back, breathe and contemplate.

See? There. Much better.

After their divorce, Ernest and Ethel lived satisfying lives, apart from each other. We can survive this, too.

As long as we don't sign Derek Lowe.