January, 2008 - In what some fans see as a troubling sign for the prospects of selling all the suites and seats at the New Yankee Stadium, I can report that Hank Steinbrenner recently invested $13.8 million in Powerball tickets.February - Amid great fanfare, President Bush signed an " economic stimulus package " under which the Federal government gave Yankee fans ( and a few others ) several hundred dollars each, of their own money, to buy HDTV sets made in China.
March - Eliot Spitzer and Alex Rodriguez become embroiled in embarassing sex scandals when it was revealed that neither is yet an unrestricted free agent.
April - I set back the pundits and speaking heads of network sports networks by correctly predicting that Cashman's strategy of " going with the young Yankee arms " will be a bust. If not for a minor technicality in placing my bet in Vegas, I would now be worth more than Bernie Madoff said he was worth.
May -Hal S ( the real owner ?) lobbies effectively for the purchase by Citibank, Lehman, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia and two well-known governmental agencies, to purchase naming rights to the new strip club/ steak house at the Stadium. Hal celebrates his "coup" by acquiring a new tie.
June - A wave of fear struck the nation as Bush's Food & Drug Czar, an 18 year-old former caddie in Austin, Texas, announces that tomatoes are killing Americans. At the height of the panic, Bush's lovely and charming spokesperson announces that the killer might not be tomatoes, but something else, possibly jalepeno peppers. Yankee fans sent " fully loaded " pizzas to the Red Sox clubhouse in response.
July -Due to the team's failure to sign any of their top draft picks, Hank Steinbrenner tells Cashman to start drafting players who haven't been born yet. And to focus on Latin America.
August - One unnamed member of the IIH, IIF, IIc staff, under investigation by the SEC, shifts his assets to real estate and acquires sufficient homes to give his family just " three fewer " than John McCain believes he and Cindy own.
September - The Republican Convention gets off to a tentative start in St. Paul, Minn., when Pres. Bush and VP Dick Cheney are unable to attend because temporary convention organizer ( Yankee Shamus ) informs them the Convention is in Atlanta.
October - As the economic crisis worsens, Bern Baby Bern ( also of the IIH,IIF, IIc staff )attempts to withdraw $40 from an ATM in Fayetteville, NY and winds up owning Washington Mutual.
November - In sports, Yankee future starter, reliever, set-up guy, closer and former first base candidate, Joba Chamberlain, is arrested doing " wheelies " in his Ford Fiesta on county road 180 near Lincon, Nebraska, at 4:00am, after coctails with me.
December - The National Bureau of Statistics, managed by another Bush family appointee (22 year old nephew of "Brownie ") shows its mastery of the obvious by declaring that the US Economy has been in recession for a full year, following 11 months of denial and random optimism. In a further release to the media, the Bureau confirmed that bears do not use toilet stalls ( no quarters ); and that the NY Yankees did not lose in round one of the playoffs.
Alph,
ReplyDeleteIf you'd made that bet in Vegas, you could bail out GM yourself.
But past is past. Pretty soon, you gotta start thinking about 2009, baby. Two-fucking-thousand-nine, bay-beeeee.
Temporary Event Organizer?!?!
ReplyDeleteShiiiiiiiiit, I may be Mr. Yankee Shamus Jenna Bush, (yeah, I took her name) but I leave the family business of politics to the family heirarchy, like Jeb and W.