To the Yankiverse:
Dear Madams and/or Sirs,
ESPN and Baseball America, watching each other in the mirror, are ranking our 2009 farm system 15th.
Mediocre. Middle of the pack. Rutgers. Temple. No crown jewels. No can't-misser. Brooke Hogan. Hofstra. Peanut butter and jelly.
Once, not long ago in a distant galaxy, they jointly slobbered over us. They coveted Phil Hughes, Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy, Jose Tabata, et al. And look what it got us: Phil Hughes, Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy, Damasco Marte, et al.
This year, we're SUNY Brockport, Restless Leg Syndrome, Drew Carey, the sniffles...
Why? Because the stool-samplers are concerned about our top stallions: Jesus Montero, Buddha Betances, Mohammed Brackman and Allah Jackson. (By the way, a shout-out to Rev. Rick Warren, who mentioned Montero in his inaugural comedy monologue Tuesday.) What is the concern? It's that Montero, Brackman and Betances are too big to be good. Seriously. I'm not making this up. They're too big. That's the problem. Too big.
Thus, we're Utica, February, bean salad... anyway... where were we...? Oh, yeah. WE ARE IN LUCK!
Here's why: Because of the pathological synchopathia of you, the Yankiverse, any publication that fails to gush baby juice over about our prospects is considered rabid anti-Yankee. It's the way Rush Limbaugh listerners view the New York Times, and the TV networks, and the Internet, and conversation, and...
Thus, anything that's positive about a Yank prospect must be magnfied by a factor of 1,000 Ruben Rivera units.
For example, right now, somewhere on the web, Phil Hughes can read that he's won the 2009 Cy Young Award, based on some blogger's statistical formula.
But this year, we're fifteenth. Maybe this year, instead of watching prospects bat .185, we can track nobodies who hit .330. Frankly, I'm sick of the Tim Battles and C.J. Henrys chasing Dave Kingman's all-time strikeout totals. I'm sick of reading bloggers say, "If he can cut down on the strikeouts..." Yeah, right. I'm sick of hearing, "If he can just get command of his curveball..." Yeah, right.
Now... I'm not knocking you bloggers. Hell, we're all nutcases. I'm no better. If you thought about it, nobody should care about anything we say.
But 19-year-old prospects do.
Therefore... Listen up you pimply, Cruex-jocked farttwats. Nine out of 10 of you will be bagging groceries in five years, and that exotic dancer who tattooed your name to her inner thigh not only will weigh 250, but she'll own your car. Stick to the basics, kiddies. It's a long hard drive to Yankee Stadium.
As for you, Phil: You didn't win a frickin' game last year. Don't come to this site expecting us to fawn over you. DAMMITALL, I'VE HALF A MIND TO LEAP OUT OF THIS COMPUTER AND SLAP YA UPSIDE THE FACE. EXCEPT YOU'D MISS SIX MONTHS FROM THE INJURY. GET OUT! GET OUT, NOW!
Goddamm kids of today. Fifteeth. Pttuuii.
Amen. I've always doubted Cashman and his whole "youth movement" thing. Nobody builds a quality farm system when you're picking late in the first round every year. Unless you're the Red Sox and Jacoby Ellsbury falls in your lap because the Yankees wanted to take the point guard on Kansas.
ReplyDeleteThe moral of the story: Draft the kids, hype them up, and then trade them for Johan. Oh, wait...
Wow...
ReplyDeleteSo now I can't call Ian a No Talent Ass Clown, because he may read our site?
Imagine Kennedy, sitting in his apartment in Scranton, listening to Tina Turner, dressed as a third world male whore with a lonely, hungry dog and an old jar of peanut butter, reading IIH, IIF, IIc...
Imagine him reading what I have written about him...
Think it affects him? Think I'm the reason, along with Alphonso, that he will go 0-5 this year (09) at the MLB level?
I pray I'm wrong...
"So now I can't call Ian a No Talent Ass Clown, because he may read our site?"
ReplyDeleteThis depends: Are you somebody who would tell Whoppie Goldberg she looks like Hallie Berry to make her feel better? Or would you tell William Hung he sounds like Ol' Blue Eyes?
If you answered no to both of these questions, then you apparently should keep your comments to yourself. But this is the Internet, say whatever the hell you want.
Mr. Shamus,
ReplyDeleteYou are not wrong.
Ian Kennedy, despite an occasional whisper of hope and optimism from former pitching ace El Duque, is not a major league caliber anything.
He will never win a game for the Yankees.
Never.
He has a better chance of starting for the Vatican's new baseball team, and only then if he starts smoking either Marlboro's or Salems.
And gets a pointy hat.
He is a waste of a locker.
I just hope Ian sees what you guys have said and gets so mad that he wins 30 games next year, JUST TO SPITE YOU.
ReplyDeleteDuque,
ReplyDeleteYour hopes will only come true if you are pure.
Ian could throw smoke for the Pope and win 30 against the North Italian League back-ups.
Perhaps he can learn a pasta-like new pitch....the Rotini comes to mind.
If he perfects it in Italy, we'll give him another shot in Scranton.
PS: I wonder if he'll get married again this summer?
I also hope Ian sees what we write about him. And gets so mad that he breaks 85 on the radar gun.
ReplyDeleteAnd those goddamn USC guys just have to run off, get into some serious relationship, and then their pro careers just die. Kennedy and the basketball player, Bush and Kardashian, Leinart and Paris Hilton/his baby's momma who also played on the USC basketball team. Yeesh, you'd think they'd learn from watching their fellow trojans suck in the pros.