Yankees's Situation and State of Yankees; 2/24/2009

As you can see, I put on my best finery for this speech to Yankeedomland.

I have bling, a double knit polyester, short-sleeved pull-over with red, white and blue stripes of various sizes and widths, and I just got my hat back from a fresh steaming over at the trailer park laundry.

Some I am ready if you are.

My fellow Yankees;

Economics - We have funded our 2009 payroll of $400 million with dollars borrowed from the Chinese ( why do you think we signed the first professional ballpayers from China last year ?).

They bought what I call " Yankee Treasury Bonds " for 10 years at 2.48% and an inflation kicker. Nonetheless, in a critical victory for our fans, the Chinese did not get the use of a single suite for the upcoming season.

And while our stimulus spending is projected to be 70% of Yankee GDP this year, we'll do just fine as long as everything sells out for every home game. And I include the $129.00, 4oz. steaks imported daily from Kansas City, the $12.50 baked spud from Idaho, and the $4 "add-on" buffet ( sour cream, chives, and cheese spread and, my personal favorite, jalapenos).

War - This endless war with the "stone age " minded Red Sox is wearing thin on all of us. We keep wasting talent ( e.g. Chase Wright ), pissing away money we don't have ( e.g. we not only mortgaged our future to kept A-Rod from them, but we also re-signed him when peace was at hand), and getting only to third place.

Now, with the emergence of the Devil Rays, we are forced to expand the battle to a whole new front. No more "Devil" in Devil Rays you say? A better enemy somehow?

I say; balderdash !!! They dropped " Devil" from their name so they could use the term against us...against anyone who isn't them.

And let's not lose sight of the fact that we may be looking entirely in the wrong direction. What if the real danger lies in Toronto, or Baltimore?

I think it is time to re-think what we have failed to think about so far.

In the next few months, my Adminsistration will devise a new strategy; a new policy; a way toward change that makes sense.

Let the Red Sox and the "Rays" kill themselves and then each other.


HealthCare - Every year, shoulder and arm surgeries are costing us more and more, both in terms of dollars and lost production. Countless members of our franchise are witholding medical concerns from management because they fear that they can't afford to be out of work for any time.

In many cases, players are postponing timely medical care because ( they say ) they "can't afford it." Worse, they might be sent to play for the Sea Dogs, and never see a private jet again.

While this is noble and courageous, it is also stupid and short-sighted.

Far better that Carl Pavano, Andy Brackman, Edwar Ramirez, Jorge, MO, Melancon and all our signed draft picks ( do we have more than one?) come forward and be treated early, than wait until the prognosis worsens and their care becomes even more costly.

If we have to, the Yankees are prepared to send them to Canada , the UK or even to France for affordable medical treatment. Finally, I think it is time to begin practicing " preventative " arm trouble.

Accordingly, I have formed a Task force, headed by Tom Daschle, to look into this festering problem in the Yankee's minor league system.

Education - I think we can make great progress on this front if we simply stop signing 13 year-olds from Latin America.

Most of these young men and women, as you know, are grade-school drop-outs who barely speak their native languages but can hit a fastball, or register a radar gun in the mid-nineties. And they hire " agents" to sign their contracts because they have sub-American writing skills ( can you imagine)?

If you are skeptical of this observation, I issue this challenge to Yankeeland:

has anyone ever seen or read a short story or poem written by Jackson Melian? Has he ever translated the Illiad from the Latin ?

Enough said.

Lastly, due to lack of both education and experience these 13 year old players' idea of a financial plan is to give their bonus money to an agent for Sir Allen Stanford, buy an Escalade SUV, and blow their per diems on super-sized whoppers and gallons of soda. And while many turn out to look like CC Sabathia, most cannot pitch as he does.

Accordingly, I recommend we immediately implement a multi-language "interpreter " program for the big club. With so many players on the team from all around the globe ( Sri Lanka where are you ?), I would like to see a United Nations kind of communication forum in the locker room.

Each player would plug in a head set while Girardi ( or any coach ) is speaking to them. The players would hear Joe in their native tongues, and they could comment back in kind.
With modern technology, this could extend to Wii ear-sets for each player on the field.

The benefit: no more dropped pop-ups due to poor communications between, Jeter, Matsui and Cabrerra.

One lingering problem with this approach ( per our friends in Japan ), is that certain American phrases like, " Come Alive With Pepsi " translate in Japanese to, " Pepsi brings you back from the dead."

Maybe not a bad thing.

Infastructure - Finally, an area where we are ahead of the curve. Our old facilities were collapsing, cement was falling on fans in left field, rust was eroding the stability of support beams, the concession stands only sold junk food, the urinals became the floor, and players had to walk from the dugout to the field.

With the assistance of the NY taxpayers, and a few influential fans in D.C. , we have snarfed $1 Billion to pay for shovel ready work, upgrade all of this mess and render the stadium a proud landmark for the next two or three years.

In the new facility, players will be wheeled in Llama-pulled gold chariots to their positions, as each inning ends. Fans will have individual commodes from Merrill Lynch in their suites when nature calls. And the fine wines and steaks at Ben Benson's in right field will be a treat for all the models and movie people.

I do feel, however, that the Yankees need to hire at least 10% American taxpayers to benefit from some of this shoveling.

Future - We are in a tough division, with risks and uncertainties galore confronting us. It will take hard work, dedication, commitment, sacrifice and maybe just a lucky break or two, for us to emerge better and stronger from this morass.

Even if it takes us as long as it took the Red Sox to finally win a big game, the Yankees will win that 27th championship one day.

Yes we can.