A Few Things At Risk For 2009 Season

I finally got finished with a visit to Bernie Madoff's new gated community, where we shared frozen charleston chews ( one chocolate and one vanilla ) and some warm root beer.

One aspect of Bernie that got lost during the recent " hub-ub" about his $60Billion plus swindle is the fact that he is an ardent baseball fan.

Accordingly, I was dispatched by IIH,IIF,IIc to see if there might be any "damage control" issues for us, given his prominence as a newsmaker.

I can announce today that Yankee fans are safe.

Bernie is a Boston Red Sox felon through and through. " For life," was the exact phrase Bernie used with me.

His love for this stinky breed of losers derives from the original "feeder hedge fund " he first set up in that evil town, to squirrel away money for his dear wife and pleasant, engaging sons.

Anyway, I'm back in South Mexico, relaxing from the stress of Tampa and New York City's Metropolitan Correctional Facility, and I have a few predictions for this year's baseball season.

Items which I consider "At Risk:"

1. The Yankees will be " At Risk" as soon as A-Rod returns.

I would have given Alex's hip " the big knife," rather than the arthroscopic procedure, thus providing the Yankees an entire season to enjoy.

But hey, who is going to buy those suites with Cody at third? Those fans who can afford them ( you know, those guys who are on their blackberries the entire game ) would rather see Madonna sitting in a box seat for three innings than a winning Yankee team anyway.

2. Edwar Ramirez's change-up.

He still only has only the one effective pitch, and everyone has seen it. He can't place his FB anywhere in the strike zone that the fat of a bat will miss.

3. Sub-Sahara Africa .

I recently read that Pope B XVI, with his lifetime of experience as a sex consultant, has ruled condoms illegal and " non pious" for these nations, harder hit by AIDs and HIV than anywhere else in the world.

We all know that the Papacy reviles any attempts at population control, hence their universal condemnation of condom use ( is that also true with alter boys?).

But by denying condoms to populations overwhelmed with AIDS and HIV, isn't HE exercising a different form of population control?

Not very Christian of you, is it Ben?

4. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq.

Does anyone in the US Military or US government read history? Anyone? Anyone?

5. Ted William's head.

The cost of keeping a head frozen has gone up exponentially. And worse, the building of helium refrigeration has come to a standstill, due to the failure of AIG to have capital behind the credit default swaps purchased by the major industrial helium vendors.

Credit is frozen and heads are unfreezing.

6. Luckily, it is time for pickled eggs, tequila, cerveza and dancing. Ian Kennedy is here for the weekend.

Let's Go Yankees.