Nation Officials: Pappi First HR "Imminent"

Boston _ Anticipation continues to grow across New England, as fans and Gammonites hotly await the first 2009 home run by beloved Redsock slugger and "untarnished by drug scandal" icon David Ortiz.

Schools are preparing emergency maypole celebrations, and police organizations have drawn up plans to deal with the jubilant crowds who will take to the streets when "Big Pappi" clobbers his first home run of 2009.

"Any minute now," a top MLB scout said, speaking on the condition of magnaminity. "He's off by micrometers, grams, millionthes of seconds. Every time he comes to bat, he is a threat to go deep. Every time."

Maple trees are said to be budding in anticipation of the first shot, and pharmacies report booming sales of Viagra and home pregnancy tests. Some experts predict a "Pappi" baby boom 9 months from now, after the first shot is launched.

"There is absolutely no doubt that Pappi could hit one soon," said Redsock manager Terri Francona. "It come happen at any time, just like that. Bang. Home run. Seriously. He's a feared hitter. Any time. Everybody knows it. Why are you carping on this? Turn off the microphone. Yeah, that's what I said. Turn off the fuc-"