The 13 most closely guarded secrets of Redsock fans... unearthed

Seasoned alchies realize that a 7-day vaca-binge occasionally requires the playing of "Drunk Possum:" You pretend to be out-of-skull, fall-down, speaking-in-tongues drunk... while wide awake and shrewdly probing your enemies for soft underbellies of weakness.

Last week, I feigned moments of acute inebriation while in the presence of several Redsock fans. I carefully slurred words and tripped over tree roots, lying prone on the ground so they could talk freely, without fear of disclosing valuable information. They suspected nothing.

Calmly and efficiently, I opened them like cans of sardines, extracting whatever information I deemed fruitful.

MY FINDINGS:
13 CLASSIFIED SECRETS OF REDSOCK FANS.

1. They'd happily trade Manny Delacarmen for a bag of lice.

2. Jacoby Ellsbury may not be a future shoe-in for Cooperstown after all.

3. Daniel Bard is absolutely, without question, a future shoe-in for Cooperstown.

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4. They still -- this is so hilarious that, had I not been skilled at feigning drunkenness, I might have choked on my vomit -- they still think Dice K will be good.

5. Mike Lowell is dead to them.

6. In the team's contract dispute with Jason Bay, they side with the cheap bastard ownership.
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7. They think they own Mariano. (Almost took a swing at them.)

8. Like everyone else, they have no clue how Ben Affleck and Matt Damon wrote the screenplay for "Good Will Hunting."

9. They view Steven Tyler as the ugliest rock star ever... even uglier than Elvis Costello and the guy who fronted for the Cars.

10. They never want Roger Clemens inducted into Cooperstown, because they fear that he'll wear a Redsock hat.

11. They figure John Henry gets laid once a month by his 30-year-old wife.

12. They wish Jeter was a Redsock.
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13. They are terrified about going 8-0 against us... and still being in second.