The Ballad of Susan Finkelstein

The girl had "Phillie Fever",
A massive fall attack.
The only cure required her
To lay down on her back.

To nab a pair of tickets,
What must a clever girl do?
A "Dirty Utley"? "Around the Lidge"?
A "Hamels Camel" or two?

But the cops horned in, and now her pic's
Been spread across the nation.
Next time, p'raps, she first should try
Some Manuel stimulation.