Forfeit.

Today doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Seriously. What? You care? Go Google yourself. We should just go home. Let those Fenway frat-pledges sit there, drinking their Fenway products, until they finally realize nothing will happen, which will be after they've missed Monday Night Football.

Note to Cashman: This is why you bring up Kei Igawa. Where's the guy who pitches with both arms? Why isn't he here? I'd pitch Brackman, but he's too valuable. Can we sign Billy Crystal? Nobody wants to see Colin Curtis break his collarbone crashing into the Green Monster. End this season. Now. Before someone gets hurt.

Don't give them the chance to cheer Jeter getting beaned.

Forfeit. Let the babies have their peanuts. Let them win. Let Varitek wave goodbye from the next weepy Ken Burns "Redsocumentary." Let them start planning 2011. (Hey, that Nava guy can bat third!)

Don't take the field. Claim a terror threat. Claim food poisoning. Nobody cares. Show that Paladino "take you out" video on the JumboTron, and they'll be happy. Hell, they'll elect him. Play the Neil Diamond song; they won't even know the game isn't being played.

Forfeit. Yankis, go home. Rest. Drink orange juice. Surf the Internet. The rest of you. Go Google yourselves.