Disney has rolled over: It is now time to end the Yankees barbaric, discriminatory ban on facial hair

Look into those eyes. See the hurt? See the frustration? My friends, that is the hair-framed face of pain, the look of a man who had to leave his team to find his own true self.

HOW MANY MORE FOLICLES MUST DIE FROM YOUR FATHER'S VENGEFUL BLADE, MISTERS STEINBRENNER?

HOW MANY MORE HONEST CHINS MUST BE SCRAPED RAW OF THEIR MANLY MANES, JUST SO YOU WHO CANNOT GROW A KINGLY PELT SHALL NOT FEEL PERSONALLY DIMINISHED?

Yesterday, the most devious corporation on the planet - Disney - finally abandoned its medieval rule that forbade servants to feature facial furniture. Yes, it's 2012 - not 1433. And yes, we're talking about a corporation whose cartoon animations require every bad guy shy of the Lion King to have a beard. (Remember: Disney is the group that gave us the Insane Clown Posse.) And yet, in terms of human rights, they are ahead of the Yankees.

In fact, compared to us, they are Ron Paul hippies. What in the name of Oscar Gamble's Afro and Mattingly's mustache are we thinking? Must we really be telling Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera how to look? Are we that obsessive? They're old men, damnit. If they want to braid their nasal hair, why should we care? Besides, who knows what Arod would do with a free range lip? He might grow a miniature A-Rod! Hell, he might grow a couple clutch base hits.

We are now the last organizations in the entire entertainment industry (not counting the Pussycat Dolls and Mormon Boys Choir) to ban facial hair.

Come on, Yankees. Hairy people were born this way. They have a right to live the way they want.

END THE YANKEE HAIR BAN!
LET MY PEOPLE GROW!