Open Letter to Mitt Selig: Baseball needs SuperPacs

Dear Madam or Sir:

Baseball faces a life or death crisis. Heavy taxation threatens to destroy the game's role as the premier American metaphor for life.

Yes, tomorrow's Stepheinie Meyerses and Mary Higgins Clarks will no longer instinctively think: Nine players, nine planets... pitcher-catcher, man-woman...

To keep the game's traditional literary bones, baseball must emulate society. That means letting the richest teams do whatever the hell they want. No spending limits.

Dammit, what happened to you pansy billionaires? You fight high federal taxes - the ones that fund schools, roads and defense - but you want to tax American's flagship team, the Yankees, to the point of making us trade AJ Burnett so we can buy a measily left-handed DH. Jesus H. Montero! What is the world coming to when a billionaire must trade pitching for a platoon DH? Is that freedom, sir? Is that what we broke away from British tyrany to create?

No sir. It's socialism. When you luxury tax the Yankees, they are laughing in the Kremlin. 

Our Supreme Court has wisely curtailed spending limits on presidential campaigns. If limitless spending works for elections, it should work for baseball.

We need SuperPacs -- shadow organizations funded by secret billionaires -- to bolster the team. Donald Trump is good for $10 million. Bloomberg? Put him down for $20 million. Wall Street can raise $100 million without picking up the phone to call a hooker.
If the Yankees' SuperPac can raise - oh, let's say -- $200 million, we can keep our "payroll" at $100 million and use the gravy for discretionary spending. Brian Cashman can let an assistant run the SuperPac. It can buy Yu Darvish and CJ Wilson... and we wouldn't have had to trade Jesus, which sucked, by the way. Because of your excessive taxes, we traded Jesus. I hope you go down in history for that.

The next Daniele Steele might prefer lady sand volleyball as a metaphor for life. Beach of Dreams. Deal with that.

SuperPacs...

KEEP THE MONEY FLOWING

KEEP THE METAPHOR "ON BASE."