Open letter to Hal Steinbrenner: May we start calling you “Isiah?”

Dear madam or sir,

If I were you, I’d buy one of those authentic Yankee Stadium $18 rain ponchos, the souped-up garbage bag liners, and wear it everywhere. Because vegetables could be flying, and some will be on target. Don't worry about tomatoes. But an acorn squash, that can really hurt.

If I were you, I’d hire a taster. And a guy who carries caged canaries. And one of those stunt drivers from Fast & Furious 10. You need a personal security pod, capable of surviving an A-bomb from A-Rod. And an escape capsule, like Dr. Evil had, so you can shoot yourself into orbit, in case you’re surrounded by irate fans. Personally, I’d have plastic surgery to make myself look like Superboy. Does Bud Selig offer an Owner Protection Program? Do you carry a back-molar cyanide pill?

It’s going to be a long long summer and a short short season. It might end in June, before summer even starts. People can be mean. Even Yankee fans, the most lovingest folks on the planet.  

Sir, the Yankee apocalypse is coming. The team is practically a nostalgia act. We haven’t looked this bad since 1990, and the call-in shows haven’t even begun to throw flaming bottles. Yankee fans will want to eat entrails. There will be massive sections of empty blue in Yankee Stadium - and no StubHub to blame. You trademarked “Evil Empire?” (That makes you Dr. Evil?) Frankly, you should trademark the name “Isiah Thomas II.” Because that’s what fans are going to call you.

Well, as the Garagiolians used to say: You made your bed, now sleep in it.

Supposedly, Brian Cashman is talking to everybody in spring training, looking for a deal on a used shortstop, or first baseman, or outfielder, or third baseman – whatever. Good grief, we’re looking at Chien-Ming Wang (whom we should have signed, out of loyalty, three years ago; why did the Nationals have to do it?) The current opening day lineup - batting seventh, Jason Nix! - explains why we’re turning over rocks. The season looms as a slow-motion re-enactment of last October, and the burning question right now is whether we’ll now do something long-term stupid.

The worst part of this is our lack of rookies. What happened to Yankee rookies? We greatly resemble the sourest days of Isiah’s Knicks – terrible teams without draft picks. (We have draft picks, but they're not the same.) The bugaboo remains that horrible, terrible 2012 trade of Jesus Montero. He didn’t hit for Seattle last year. But if he gets hot in 2013, if he becomes the hitter we figured he would – seriously, sir – ponchos won't be strong enough. You need to invest in that armor they wear in Game of Thrones. Buy a Popemobile. Move to Alaska. Live underground.

Sir, this is going to be a bad year to be owner of the Yankees. The question is whether we’re about to start making trades that bring about a bad decade to be owner of the Yankees. It’s up to you. Do you have the stomach for a bad August? Those kids in Trenton and Tampa – a lot of teams will be happy to take them off our hands in exchange for a Jesse Barfield or Dale Murray, somebody who would cut our margin from 20 games out to maybe 15. Isiah Thomas would make those deals. So would Dr. Evil.  Will you?