Of course, Hal and Hank will only work the combination lock to their fanny pack - (which they bought with Pepsi Points) - for a bargain, such as Corey Patterson, whom we signed last week for six bags of Doritos. (They promised to keep him in chips.) Right now, our idea of spending is to tromp across the beaches of the Cape Cod League with a magnet, pulling up bottle caps and an occasional Alfredo Gonzalez. We aint gonna do no bidding on a three-name Cuban.
Sad part is that this is one of those free agency quirks that won't affect Bud Selig's organizational payroll spending cap -- you know, the price-fixing rules that are allowed because baseball is not a business, it's a game, a fun sport, the national pastime, and our struggling owners - each a treasure - need help if they're to make a go of it against the cut-throat players and agents. This is a loophole that Bud's lawyers missed - Cuban refugees over a certain age with a certain amount of experience don't have to sign for movie money, and it doesn't put a team over the spending limit.
So they will have to bid on him.
And if the Yankees were still the Yankees, we would make an offer. Since we are the Royals, we won't.
So... good news for LA, Texas, Boston, Toronto, et al. They can supplement their rosters. Meanwhile, Hank and Hal will hole up in their bunker pod, watching 3D reruns of Yankee Classics and counting their coins.
The short seasons have started, and - correct me if I'm wrong - I haven't seen that we've signed the big lug, Aaron Judge, whom we drafted number two. He was supposed to be on the verge of signing - but there's been no official announcement. Last year, the same thing happened, and we later found that an MRI on a kid's elbow allowed the Yankees to nickel and dime him down by about $100,000.
Once, when there was a delay in a signing someone, you assumed it was a Scott Boras type, pushing the Yankees for extra money. Now, you just figure it's the Yankees, armed with some DNA test they took from a McDonald's sipper straw, which shows the guy is likely to get scurvy and thus, they should spend less.
Where have you gone, Jose Contreras, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
George Steinbrenner is turning over in his grave.
ReplyDeleteNo, no, it's not that he's upset. I mean, cripes, he's dead. His upset days are over.
But his sons have developed an ingenious scheme with Yankee Undertaker Mark William Calaway (the official Undertaker of the New York Yankees) that's guaranteed to beat old fancy-pants Vladimir Lenin at his own game.
Every 37 days, George's well-embalmed person is rotated in his specially designed Revolv-A-Vault® to make sure the preservative juices are evenly distributed. You may have noticed that Lenin, lying on his back all these years in his glass sarcophagus, looks a tad peaked on the upper side, and he has a pump moving the crap around in his veins.
Anyway, the idea is that on the 10th anniversary of the Boss' death, in 2020, he'll be added to Death Valley...uh, er, Monument Park...at the Stadium. And for that one year (and every 10 years thereafter), you can actually see the Man Who Made the Yankees Great for a small donation of $20 above and beyond your ticket price.
It's ingenious, and will help the Steinboys greatly as they try to stave off starvation and ruin from paying such outrageous salaries to stars like A-Rod, Tex, Grandy, Robbie, Jete, CC and the rest.
So mark your calendars, and get ready to see George chillin' under the Mohegan Sun Sports Bar.
Looking good, Mr. G!
from today's NYT: "If Teixeira has surgery, the Yankees could look to upgrade at first base in a trade."
ReplyDeleteThis is the wishful thinking of the Gammonites, who seem to be the last to get the message about austerity in Yankeeville. Overbay at 1B is a major success for the penny-pinching middle manager that Cashman has become. They will be upgrading at 1B -- or any other position -- after they bid on the the Three-Named Cuban, which aint happening.
So in addition to their favored antitrust status, the Steingrubbers and their ilk enjoy hand-feeding the lap-dog journalists who refuse, resist or just plain fail to recognize the miserly approach to managing the most valuable cash-cow in sports.
And elsewhere in the Yankeeverse, bloggers are so thoroughly co-opted that they shout down any call for more aggressive spending because it's not part of the current "plan." Rise up, people! Let them know this sucks.
Tom, you Communist whippersnapper, you are so wrong.
ReplyDeleteA not unreliable source has informed this Reporter that the Bronx Bombers will soon upgrade their slumping offense by promoting initial-sacker Dan Johnson from the AAA Underground Railroaders. Johnson is expected to arrive late this afternoon at the Port Authority Bus Terminal on the next bus from Scranton, PA. He will then purschase a Metrocard, hop on the A train, switch to the D train to the big ball orchard in the Bronx, change into Chris Bootcheck's barely used uniform, then trot out to first base just as the fans please rise for the singing of our National Anthem
I used to joke, "I got my politics from Dick Young." Obviously, some of the harder edges have worn down since the Great Man's passing. Thank goodness he's now speaking to me from the grave as I was starting to go soft, like Lupica.
ReplyDelete