Well, I'm livid. LIVID! I just heard on the news that a Boston Redsock fellow, Mike Napoli, is running around with some X-rated movie Jezebel, Rachel Starr, and she's been in more than 100 naughty films, and - my God, Mr. Selig, have you ever seen those movies? Our church group has watched a bunch - somebody has to document this filth! - and I cannot even describe the goings on, except to say that if this is the moral standard of the Boston Redsocks, well, you have to do something!
Hello? Can anybody pick up the phone? Hello?
Well, Mr. Selig, I know you care about children, because you're fighting that horrible A-Rod man. But you have to get involved. The integrity of the game is at stake. What messages are we sending the Little Leaguers? That they should take steroids and date porn stars? My God. I didn't even want to watch that Little League World Series, because that 6'2" boy - they claim he's 12 - well, he's probably on the phone right now, lining up a motel room with one of those Kardashian trollops.
Mr. Selig, please pick up the phone. Please, you gotta do- BEEEP
get a touch tone phone for better access to Bud's voice mail options. Or do the options all involve A-Rod? ("If you have evidence of A-Rod doing PEDs, touch 1; if you have evidence of A-Rod thwarting my investigation, touch 2; if you have photos of A-Rod kissing himself, touch 3; if you've sniffed A-Rod's merkin, touch 4"; etc...)
ReplyDeleteHey, it's OK, everybody. Napoli gets to date one of our performers and in return he has promised that John Ferrell will let me pitch one inning out of the bullpen as soon as the Red Sox have clinched the AL East. Napoli's a horny old dog, but that Pedroia character is a sicko. He borrowed Ben Affleck's Batman costume, hired three of our most seasoned actresses, and had us tape their hanky-panky. I'll post it to YouTube later tonight.
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