Open letter to the people of Seattle: Ichiro wants to play “many more seasons.” He’s all yours!

Ah, greetings, dearest Seattle, (aka: "Sleepless In..."), and congrats again on winning the 2014 Super Bowl. May your concussions go away in time for training camp.

When I think of you, I think of Bill and Melinda Gates' continuing campaigns on behalf of humanity, the cool, Emerald City that gave us Windows ’95 and Courtney Love… the town that will get to watch Robbie Cano run to first and say, “WTF? He’s… jogging?” and the once-domed baseball fan base that still has one remaining obligation to the world.

Yes, Chiptown, you are the ones who must retire Ichiro.

You brought him, you enjoyed him, and soon, you gotta be the ones to change his bedpan.

Listen: You should consider it an honor. Ichiro Suzuki is a great player, a Hall of Famer. If Ellen Degeneres took a selfie in spring training, he would be the one in the back, smirking like Kevin Spacey. He’s done more to unite Japanese and American baseball than any other player in history. (Godzilla, Dice K, et al – they won’t get a cup of coffee in Cooperstown.) And the Yankees – for reasons stemming to our boy owners’ love of impulse shopping  – have him for one more year. One more awful, wretched, no-good rancid year.

Awww, it won’t be a total loss. This year, Ichiro could be the calming goat who sleeps in the barn with Secretariat, (Masahiro Tanaka). He and Hiroki Kuroda can give Tanaka a social life and a pair of role models. That’s worth something. And maybe he can surprise us. But right now, he is the Yankees fifth outfielder, and – frankly – if he wasn’t Ichiro, he would be sixth. (I’m thinking Gardner, Beltran, Soriano, Ellsbury, Almonte… Ichiro.) Last year, his on-base percentage fell below .300 last year, which is god-awful. He refuses to work walks, the bread-and-butter survival tactic for most over-the-hill hitters. Last year, his greatest threat to an opposing team was the chance of beating out an infield single. It hurts most when the pitcher just walked, say, three batters in a row. No matter how wild he is, he won't walk Ichiro.

Next year, he’s all yours, Seattle. Bundle him with the 300-pound Jesus Montero, the tenth year of Robbie Cano’s contract, and we’ll maybe even throw in Michael Pineda, after he re-tweaks his shoulder.  Maybe Soundgarten will re-unite and tour with Hole. Maybe Bill and Melinda was launch an initiative and bring back domed baseball. Maybe it doesn't matter. You won the 2014 Super Bowl. The headaches should end sometime in July, when the exhibitions start.