Sabathmageddon: CC needs an immediate injection of an extra 5 mph and 50 pounds

It’s here. Our first September crisis. Dear God, the most  critical stretch of the season. And it's upon us: Sabathmageddon.

Dark clouds in the distance. Girardi must mess up this team, do something crazy. A Katy Perry lip-synch video? A “Welcome Back Kotter” memorabilia scavenger hunt? A hot jalapeno pepper-eating contest? Jeez, I dunno. Could we unite by betting on hobo death fights? Where could we find the hobos? Do people call hobos "hobos" anymore? Does Katy Perry? Dear God, this is getting confusing. It's more dire than we thought! 

The problem here is simple: CC Sabathia needs to eat. He needs to eat a large animal, something with a bell around its collar. He needs to eat a rural Pennsylvania town. They're called "Buroughs" in Pennsylvania. Did you know that? CC needs to add 50 pounds of pork. We need to rearrange the new, genetically modified version, who looks like CC in a thinning fun house mirror, or CC, the finalist in the “The Biggest Loser.” Yesterday, Stringbean pitched two scoreless innings against the Phillies. He never cracked 90 on the radar gun. This is scary. This is Yankee doomsday. Right now, the hardest throwing lefty starter in camp is Vida Nino.

Yes, it’s early. OK, we haven’t even yet tapped the green beer kegs. We should be more worried about Toro Tanaka throwing too hard, too soon. Nothing in these games matters. But jeez, not even 90 mph? CC can't even reach the speed of a Kennedy heir while on beta-blockers? Come on! He needs to eat a Kennedy heir.

CC says not to worry. OK, no problemo. This isn’t me, worrying. This is me, terrifying. Every hope we have for a bounce-back 2014 rests on CC Sabathia returning to form. Without him: Game over, maaaan, game over. Understand? O-ver. So should we worry? Hell no. Just be terrified.

OK, I should get a grip. Yesterday, CC pitched two scoreless innings. A scoreless inning is a scoreless inning is a scoreless inning is a scoreless inning, right? I could go on. It’s a scoreless inning, even in March. Which is what this is. We haven’t even filled out our Final Four brackets yet. Syracuse University men’s basketball hasn’t even collapsed yet. (Uh-oh. Check that: They HAVE. It's later than I thought!)

Listen: I missed yesterday’s game on YES. Friends were texting excitedly me about Tanaka. And the write-ups later described Tanaka overpowering. I didn’t learn until today that he gave up two hits. Bloop hits, the writers stressed. That’s how they phrased it when Mariano blew saves, at the end. They deconstructed each hit to make you believe it was an anomaly, as if Mariano wasn’t reaching his final outings.  Two bloop hits is still two hits. And 88 mph is not 90. It’s early. It’s way too early to be this terrified. But that’s what happens when you miss the playoffs, and your farm system ranks among the worst in baseball. We’ve got a month to figure this out. Anybody know any Katy Perry songs? You think Katy Perry could recruit some hobo boxers?